I'd like to buy a vowel
Meghan Markle's Podcast Debacle, Shein's Propaganda Tour, and June Slays
You know what I hate? How when you like someone’s promotion post on LinkedIn, you then have to get notifications for days every time another person comments, “So well deserved, Shelby!”
It’s like they’re punishing you for being begrudgingly supportive.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Ryan Seacrest nabs the Wheel of Fortune hosting gig. Ryan Seacrest is truly the best in the game, which is why I am troubled by this career move. He could host anything. Why not try to push Phil Keoghan out of The Amazing Race and enjoy free trips around the world for three weeks out of the year? WOF feels like a death sentence, where emcees go to live out the remainder of their days in a benzo-fueled peace.
Simone Biles makes quiet return to gymnastics. If you thought she was going to enjoy her first year of married life and maybe do some YoPlait sponcon to fund her honeymoon, think again! Simone will make her first competition appearance since the Tokyo Olympics this August at the US Classic in Chicago, viewed as a warmup on the arduous road to Paris 2024.
Kim K’s former assistant, Stephanie Shepherd, gets married. When I Googled this to find a link, the first five headlines were about how Kim upstaged Steph in a “racy” outfit at the wedding, lolz. Classic Kim, you can’t take her anywhere.
Anyway, she married a record exec named Larry Jackson who she met back in the Kanye days. He looks too old for her, but I also feel like she isn’t marrying for money because right now her “job” is a nonprofit she founded, and poor people just don’t do things not for profit.
Pete Davidson checks into rehab for mental health. There aren’t a lot of details, but that’s probs for the best because rehab is a private matter!
Bethenny Frankel gets braggadocios with new engagement ring. The Bravo star made a video comparing her massive, boulder of an engagement ring to other smaller rings to ensure its full magnitude accurately translated to the screen.
Since no one has a sense of humor, viewers were outraged, and BF took her time responding to trolls in the comments. To one hater who complained that the ring was “huge and gaudy,” Bethenny replied, “well you’re in no danger of getting one.”
Meghan Markle’s shitty podcast gets axed. After season one of Meghan’s Spotify show Archetypes left a lot to be desired (including Taylor Swift rejecting Meghan’s personal invite to appear, via a rep), Spotify is cutting the $20M overall deal early.
To rub salt in the wound, the CEO of UTA said on the record:
“Turns out Meghan Markle was not a great audio talent, or necessarily any kind of talent. And, you know, just because you're famous doesn't make you great at something.”
Madonna postpones tour due to serious bacterial infection. I’m shocked she’s even doing a tour. She’s 64! The Beatles wrote a whole song about that.
Shein tries to create influencer propaganda with warehouse China trip. The infamous fast fashion brand sent a group of influencers to China to observe their various facilities in the hopes of putting an end to the “rumors” of their atrocious working conditions.
After being treated to lavish accommodations and meals, and likely being shown a highly selective view of the factories, the influencers posted videos discussing how pleasantly surprised they were by how “chill” the facilities were, noting that the workers “weren’t even sweating.”
Luckily, even if Shein chose the dumbest people on the planet to attend their trip, viewers were savvy enough to call BS immediately.
Chrissy Tiegen & John Legend launch Baby #4. The couple welcomed a baby boy, Wren, via surrogate last week, just 5 months after their daughter Esti’s birth. I gotta say, these surrogates are making celebs too cocky! It’s easy to want another kid when you don’t have to carry it. Pretty soon every celeb couple could qualify for their own Jon & Kate Plus 8 spinoff.
My Caught Red-Handed series ran with the new media endeavor Byline this week. Check out my interview with Highsnobiety EIC Willa Bennet — I was so intimidated that I literally had a full conversation with my patient friend Collin over whether to send her questions as a Google Doc or Word Doc. We went with Word.
Uncultured’s June Slays
The Bear Season 2 (Hulu)
[Spoilers if you haven’t seen Season 1 of The Bear, no spoilers for S2]
I’m only four episodes in, but I’m in love with season two of The Bear. The series picks up with Carmy, Sydney, and co. gutting their sandwich shop to manifest the premium restaurant Carmy and his brother always dreamed of creating together.
It still has some of the chaotic energy of the first season, but this time instead of channeling that energy into literally stabbing each other, they’re using it as positive momentum to build something they care about. Sounds saccharine and annoying when you say it out loud, but these types of stories always get to me — it’s why I’ve seen every ep of Shark Tank.
In an early scene, Carmy and Sydney brainstorm their menu, whiteboarding their genius ideas for cherry remoulaaudes and autumn raviolis. It made me so jealous because I all I want is to use a whiteboard and have it actually be important. Every time I’ve ever written on a whiteboard it’s been complete performative BS so my boss feels like the meeting was productive. Then someone takes a picture to preserve the masterpiece, and those photos are never referenced again.
Silo (AppleTV+)
This new drama from AppleTV+ is a great option while you wait for season 2 of Severance.
The series follows a futuristic society of 10,000 people who have spent their entire lives living in a massive silo, with limited knowledge of the outside world. But when two notable members of the community choose to leave the silo, likely facing their impending deaths due to the toxic conditions, the newly appointed sheriff launches into her own secret investigation to find out why. If you read City of Ember as a kid, it feels like an adult version of that.
This is a mystery box show so it’s so bingeable, we’ve been crushing like four episodes in a row. The finale comes out tomorrow, so you could just spend an afternoon doing that if you need some recovery after your 4th of July debauchery.
John Early: Now More Than Ever (HBO / Max)
This is a comedy special from John Early who starred on Search Party which I loved and no one watched, as well as the iconic Taylor Swift AntiHero music video. The special is short and sweet, and Early is probably one of the most expressive comics you’ll find.
His bit about how there is no cool way to act during bowling hit home for me.
Spiderman: Across the Spiderverse
Plot twist! You didn’t expect to see a superhero movie on here, did you??
I had actually never seen the first Spiderverse movie, so I watched them back to back, like when I decided I wanted to see Creed III in theaters and watched the entire trio in a 16 hour timespan.
Obviously this movie is good, I don’t really need to say a lot about it, but what I will say is that it is friendly to people like myself who typically don’t give AF about superhero or fantasy content, and it doesn’t follow the same generic formula we’re used to seeing.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Hijack (Apple TV+) — Idris Elba stars as a corporate negotiator who tries to use his professional skills to save the lives of passengers on a hijacked plane. I truly live for this shit.
Listening: Dance Moms alum Maddie Ziegler on *ahem* EmRata’s High Low podcast.
Reading: “The Controversy Around Colleen Ballinger, a.k.a. Miranda Sings, Explained” (Vulture) — You gotta read this, even if you don’t know who this person is. This girl has been getting grooming allegations for the past few weeks and just made a TEN MINUTE UKULELE SONG on YouTube “addressing” them.
