Gypsy Rose is PREG
Plus JoJo's music video, Kim in India, and 'The Bachelorette'
Hiiii I am back from my adventures and the timing couldn’t be better! Two of my Uncultured Mount Rushmorians, JoJo Siwa and Gypsy Rose, had peak news weeks, so let’s waste no more time.
Jenn’s ‘Bachelorette’ Night 1 is…actually ok? Obviously I still stared at my phone for half of it, but she’s really pretty and the guys seemed a little more outrageous than the software developers of seasons past.
If you are on the fence about starting this beautiful journey, maybe try episode 2 next Monday — they are going straight to Australia so we get to skip the standard first weeks of mansion drudgery.
(For a cast refresher, you can read my bio reviews here).
Kim & Khloe take Mumbai. And I’m glad they’re tolerating each other enough for a 17+ hour flight, because Kim is being so out of pocket this season. I totally took her side last season when Kourtney was being a baby about the Dolce & Gabbana thing, but Kim needs to mind her business when it comes to Hidden Hills’ angel KoKo taking time to focus on her kids after years of being emotionally victimized by awful men — I hope Sabrina’s “Please, Please, Please” has been healing for her.
Anyway, our fave duo is attending the wedding of the richest man is Asia’s son along with the likes of Mike Tyson and Boris Johnson. They obvi don’t know this kid — is this a paid appearance, like that scene in Entourage where Vince has to sing “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” at a girl’s Sweet 16 party for a million dollars so his house doesn’t foreclose, or are they just bored and down to fuck up some baller catering?
Speaking of my girl Kimberly, her legal drama got a big upgrade. The Ry*n M*rphy Hulu show starring Kim as the world’s most expensive divorce attorney now has some serious credibility, with Halle Berry and Glenn Close joining the cast. Kim, do NOT embarrass me.
John Mulaney and Olivia Munn got secretly married. In support, you can pre-order his ex-wife’s new memoir “Men Have Called Her Crazy” on sale August 13th!
Ellen DeGeneres announces her retirement. During the July 3rd stop of her farewell tour, 66-year-old Ellen told the audience that this show and her corresponding Netflix special is the last time anyone will ever see her again.
According to Ellen’s Instagram promotion, the special will discuss her “cancellation” after reports of toxicity on the set of her show (and more importantly, the infamous Dakota Johnson interview) turned the public against her.
I totally understand the desire to go out on a high note and preserve a damaged legacy, but I’m worried that this is too soon and too fresh — if you’re still angry and hurt, how funny can you be? Like when Chris Rock tried to do a segment about The Slap in his live Netflix special, and ended up fucking up the punchline because he was still too emotionally rattled. Until you have the distance to truly laugh at the situation, you can’t expect your audience to!
It’s time…JoJo Siwa releases music video #2. Her new song “Guilty Pleasure” is a rebuttal to the swathes of haters in her comments section / every TikTokker who analyzes the reasons why her rebrand is flopping so hard.
The music video opens on “JoJo’s Guilty Pleasure House,” which is part concert venue part brothel, it appears. She runs the ticket booth and is also the primary talent in the burlesque show — you don’t become a millionaire without cutting costs here and there.
I don’t know that I would necessarily call JoJo a “guilty pleasure” of mine, because I don’t feel guilt consuming her content — I feel joy, because she is one of my favorite people on Earth to make fun of. But once inside her pleasure dome, JoJo flounces about and brags that she makes our minds “go filthy” — THAT I am drawing a hard line at. For someone who is so obsessed with sex, she is one of the least outwardly sexual beings, and a neon construction vest from Spirit Halloween with a phallic jackhammer can’t change that.
Once again, JoJo draws direct inspiration from her good-girl-gone-bad hero Miley Cyrus, with the primary motif of the video being giant teddy bears who writhe around on the ground touching their nonexistent intimate bits.
This week, Gypsy Rose announced her pregnancy (*induces vomiting*) and I got to return to my post at Betches as chief baby name predictor! The story is below, LMK what I missed.
Gypsy Rose Blanchard's Baby Name List *LEAKED*
Gypsy Rose’s ex-fiancee Ken wouldn’t touch you with a 10-foot pole, but when it comes to laying that pipe with GRB, call him Bob the Builder.
In an emotional YouTube video on Tuesday, July 9th, our favorite jailbird influencer shared that fresh off her divorce from her creepo penpal husband Ryan, she is with child.
She’s only seven months out of the slammer, and she’s already created a lifetime of Lifetime content. A divorce, a tryst, an e-book, and a baby? It took Vanderpump Rules 10 seasons to reach this elite class of messy.
Everything about Gypsy is extra, so her baby name will be no exception — our girl is not naming her child Lauren. But now that I think about it, if she did it would be kind of genius. So normcore that’s it camp.
I’m sure we’ll be getting a hard launch gender reveal party soon enough, where correspondingly colored butterflies catapult out of Gypsy’s bra like that one fiasco on RuPaul’s Drag Race, and then PETA will have decide if they want to get themselves involved in all of this tomfoolery or just mind their business for once. Only Gypsy Rose is powerful enough to silence PETA.
Until then, we’re left to our own devices predicting what the Jolly Rancher-fueled minds of Gypsy and Ken will cook up. If we could sneak a peek at the Notes App full of Gypsy Rose’s baby name idea, this is what we’re 99.99% sure it would say:
Watching: Presumed Innocent (Apple TV+) — I watched three eps in a row last night…it’s kind of like this year’s Hijack.
Listening: “Tough” by Lana and Quavo
Reading: “Inside the Wild World of Reality TV School” (The Daily Beast)
Crossing fingers for a baby Genie 😆