Give the daddies some juice
Emma Roberts' Selfie, Kim's Tattoo, and The State of The Golden Bachelor
It’s been a slow news week! Nobody went on any ill-advised diatribes on the Josh Peck podcast, so I don’t know what to tell you.
In personal news, I finally signed up for Sweetgreen’s Sweetpass+, so I can eat more salads with the peace of mind that they’re $12 instead of $15. Loyal readers will know this is huge for me.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
People Magazine announces their Sexiest Man. They went with an aging Patrick Dempsey for 2023, because this year is all about proving that olds can still get it!
Andy Cohen wants to make NYE messy again. After his infamous 2021 drunken tirade against Bill de Blasio, Mark Zuckerberg, and Ryan Seacrest, Andy Cohen got alcohol banned from his live NYE broadcast with Anderson Cooper.
Now that he’s proven he can behave, he’s hopeful that CNN will “give the daddies some juice” this year, and honestly, same.
Kim K reveals her secret tattoo. She finally put a bumper sticker on a Bentley! On this week’s episode of The Kardashians, Kimberly revealed that she’s been hiding a LIP TAT for the past two years, which she got at 4:30AM after hosting SNL.
It’s the infinity symbol, which is decidedly uncool, but she does get some 2000s grunge points for the placement.
SAG-AFTRA strike comes to an end. After four months, the strike ended last night, which means we can get better celebrities back on Hot Ones. Tony Hawk? Flea??? They were pushing it.
It also means tatted Kim can finally promote the second part of American Horror Story: Delicate, which I have been watching dutifully. This might be the only time she ever acts, I need the content!!
And speaking of AHS, Emma Roberts goes viral for awk selfie moment. While attending Kim’s Swarovski x SKIMS launch party this week, Emma committed the classic pleb faux-pas of attempting to discreetly take a selfie in a public setting, followed by furtively looking around to see if anyone noticed, like when you shove six mini bags of Doritos from the office snack drawer into your purse on the way out.
But the weirder aspect of the video is that Emma is totally alone, with no date, entourage, or publicist to keep her company in the sea of people, making her look very un-VIP. A body language expert spoke to Newsweek, explaining the selfies and constant phone-checking as an attempt to appear less isolated.
Embarrassing but so relatable. This is me at every event, except I’m playing NYT Spelling Bee like I’m just casually passing the time while I wait for my husband to get back from the bar with my negroni sbagliato.
Ashley Benson is pregnant and married. Days after confirming her pregnancy with her oil heir fiancé Brandon Davis, news broke that the pair secretly married, although it’s yet to be confirmed by the couple directly.
Cool, but what I am more excited about are these videos of this TikTok girl reenacting scenes from Pretty Little Liars basically through facial expressions alone.
Spotify now has free audiobooks in the US. Premium users, AKA everyone, can now access an extensive library of audiobooks, with up to 15 hours of listening per month, or around 2 books.
The New York Times also just published this concerning headline, “Is Reading The Hottest Thing You Can Do As A Single Person?” so this development may be of great service to me in that department.
Why Are We Covering ‘The Golden Bachelor’ With Kid Gloves?
The Bachelor franchise has become so stale that, for me, the best part of the series has nothing to do with the hours spent slogging through the show itself — it’s all about the unofficial after shows. Podcasts like Bachelor Party, The Betchelor, and Love To See It or written recaps from Vulture or The Daily Beast analyze the events of each episode with the seriousness of a PhD candidate and the biting wit of a standup.
This is where the real fun happens — discourse around everything from 1x1 date body language, to contestants’ interpersonal drama, to the biggest blunders that had us nearly vomiting from second-hand embarrassment.
On a standard season of The Bachelor, where the contestants are typically 24-year-old marketing coordinators who couldn’t spell “monogamy” if their Love Shack Fancy collection depended on it, the commentary is typically quite acerbic.
The consensus among viewers and analysts seems to be, these women elected to put themselves on a national platform with a historically toxic fan base, so they knew what they were getting into and it’s fair game to make fun of them. And that we do, usually with little to no regard for how our harsh comments might make them feel.
On ABC’s new Golden Bachelor, however, where women aged 60 to 75 compete for 71-year-old Gerry Turner’s heart, I’ve noticed that there’s an overwhelming instinct to protect the contestants, with fans and journos alike discussing the show with a much gentler touch.
Refrains of “I’m not trying to be mean, but…” or “good for her for trying” echo throughout every recap. Everyone has effectively neutralized themselves, like Cersei Lannister on a heavy dose of Ativan.
The implication of this softer approach is that the more mature women either aren’t deserving of, or can’t emotionally handle the typical Bachelor bashing.
Yet here’s the thing. These Baby Boomers are accomplished women — they’ve had successful careers, raised families, navigated loss. They’re direct communicators and they’re sure of themselves, so theoretically, shouldn’t they be more capable of withstanding criticism than Kayla, a Gen Z flight attendant who graduated UMiami three months ago?
One could argue that it’s a matter of respect, that younger commentators don’t want to disparage their elders too harshly. But there’s an entire economy that revolves around shit talking the Real Housewives!
The more probable rationale is that viewers feel these women are taking a risk in “putting themselves out there,” and since they’re genuinely looking for a connection versus an Avocado Mattress sponsorship, we should be kind to them.
There’s something to be said for that, but another part of me feels like we’re then treating 65-year-old women the same way Gordon Ramsey treats the 11-year-olds making beef wellington on MasterChef Junior.
This infantilization of women who are basically our moms’ age feels antithetical to one of the key benefits of the show, which is shining a light on female stories from an age bracket that is typically sidelined from media, and society at large. As 60-year-old Joan said in her limo ride to the airport, “as you get older you become more invisible.”
So, weirdly, is it more respectful to treat our Golden Bachelor contestants with the same scathing approach that we bring to the OG franchise? Acknowledging that grandmas can smash and are fully capable of handling the harsh reality of appearing on reality TV?
I listened to an interview with current Golden Bachelor Gerry this week, and he actually said that when he’s on social media, he doesn’t seek out the positive comments about him, he looks for the negative stuff and the rumors because he thinks it’s funny. Which makes sense! He’s not insecure, what could any of us anonymous bozos say that’s going to rattle him?
It goes without saying that there are firm limits and lines around what’s acceptable when making fun of people, but I’m happy to report that through this thought exercise, I’ve come to the conclusion that we should be meaner to old people. It’s only polite.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Dream Scenario
Listening: The Julia Fox memoir on Spotify now that I can do so freely!
Reading: “Gen Alpha Is Here. Can You Understand Their Slang?” (NYT)