Gia, do you know the order of the solos?
Love Is Blind: ATA, Perfect Match, and TikTok Lesbians.
The only valentines I received this week were from my parents and my Animal Crossing villagers. And while I may be many things, I’m not bitter, which is why I’m still bringing you an issue packed to the brim with love & romance.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
The Sudeikis-Wilde nanny strikes again. She went for the throat with the salad dressing scandal last year, and now she’s back at it suing for wrongful termination. The nanny gave five months’ notice due to the stress and increased hours stemming from the couple’s contentious divorce, and after her osteopath (?) prescribed her three days of rest in the meantime, Sudeikis allegedly fired her immediately. But can you be “wrongfully terminated” if you’ve already quit? Lawyers, let us know.
The twin flames are dimming. Megan Fox stoked breakup rumors with MGK by posting some conspicuous Lemonade lyrics on Insta before deleting her account entirely. On Monday, the couple was seen exiting what’s thought to be a couples’ counseling office. I guess sometimes a blood pact means things are too good to be true.
Rebel Wilson launches a dating app. It’s called “Fluid,” and she describes it as the first app where you don’t need to specify what you’re looking for from a gender POV or label yourself as a particular sexuality. Maybe this is where Tucker Carlson could finally meet the M&M of his dreams.
The TikTok lesbians have no chill. JoJo Siwa’s ex-girlfriend Avery Cyrus recently made a YouTube video with her ex-girlfriend Soph Mosca where the two of them reacted to an old vlog that Soph made after Avery dumped her for JoJo. Did you get all that? Great.
Soph solemnly says, of discovering Avery and JoJo’s budding romance: “You had rainbow bracelets up your arm and a new rainbow bag, and I just knew.”
How embarrassing is it to have that as your lesbian home wrecker calling card? Jesus Christ.
Ryan Seacrest departs Live with Kelly & Ryan. This will be his final season after six years, and he’ll be replaced with Kelly’s husband, Mark Consuelos. What message is this sending to Amy Robach and TJ Holmes???
The Wins & Losses of Love Is Blind: After the Altar
Last year, I watched my first-ever season of Love is Blind, season 3 (Dallas, TX), which I chronicled through some poorly constructed FanDuel oddsmaking.
For the unfamiliar, after the season airs, Netflix follows up with the cast in a three-ep special to chronicle their marital bliss and/or other personal issues.
Let’s break down some of the biggest dubs and Ls — mucho spoilers ahead!
Win: Alexa & Her Hot Stepmom
Something I have to give Alexa credit for is defying a lot of stereotypes. When we first met her, she seemed like she was going to be obnoxious AF based on her obsession with hoarding thousands of Revolve outfits in her walk-in closet and her general “my way or the highway” attitude.
But it turns out she has a good sense of humor, defends her friends, and seems to be in a thriving marriage with her pod lover.
This extends to her relationship with her BOMBSHELL stepmom, Morgan, who at 33 is only six years older than Alexa. A lesser person would be like, this is gross I can’t believe you’re having sex with my ancient father for money, but Alexa and Morgan are actually besties now. Maybe people should just set up their single fathers with their friends, then you always have someone to hang out with when you go home for the holidays!
The only person who can’t seem to come around to the setup is drunk Cole, who had to be pulled away by BARTISE of all people after repeatedly stuttering, “you’re not Alexa’s mom” with wild eyes that indicated he was looking at Tupac rising from the dead instead of a run-of-the-mill sugar baby.
Loss: Colleen and Whats-His-Name Having to Defend Living Separately
This came up at the reunion show, and they continue to get an unfair amount of shit for it.
Basically, after their televised wedding, it was back to reality for Colleen and Matt — they both had leases that would have cost them a lot of money to break, and even though they were legally married, they had only known each other for a few months. Being RATIONAL HUMANS, they decided to hold off on moving in together until it made sense from a timing POV and they had improved their communication.
But still, their castmates find this unsatisfactory, and the couple has to continue to defend their decision. It’s so WeEeiIiRrRdD for a married couple not to live together!!!!!!! Guess what, dipshit: so is getting married to a stranger for a Netflix show.
It’s kind of the equivalent of Bachelor contestants getting “engaged” for the purposes of production and either having a three-year engagement (AKA dating) or breaking up immediately after — reality romance will never be real and the only way to salvage it is to dictate your own timing and terms.
Win: Nancy’s Family Calling out her Bartise BS
One thing we could all agree on is that Bartise is a less handsome version of Jake Paul. As a refresher, in season three he:
Repeatedly told his fiancé how attracted he was to their castmate Raven and how they made more sense together from a looks perspective
Said that he thinks women should only be allowed one abortion “pass” in their lives
Sent Nancy a shot of tequila before their wedding with a note that said “let’s do the damn thing” and then dumped her at the altar
For some reason, she’s decided to let him back into her life as a friend. When Nancy informed her family, her mom equated Bartise to the poop emoji and grilled her on what benefit she gains from being this man’s friend, which she could not answer.
I’m a proponent for holding and relinquishing grudges strategically. If there’s something to be gained from reopening a relationship, bury the hatchet (but keep a map of where you put it, per Swift 6:2), but if he’s just another douchebag who works in tech sales, keep the door closed!
It’s like Gerri once said: “how does it serve my interests???”
Loss: Everyone’s Interactions with Food
Some details in the food department that did not slip by me and deserved to be shamed:
Alexa’s brother scooping cake onto his finger at her birthday party and licking it off. I don’t even think he was trying to seduce anyone and there was definitely cutlery present.
Matt going to a BBQ restaurant with his family and telling the cashier they were going to order a bunch of different things “to pick at.” Just say you’re going to share.
Raven saying that she likes dry, crunchy foods and SK likes wet, soupy foods and then COMPLAINING that he always orders a croissant in the morning because it’s dry. What do you want from him?? Other than for him not to cheat on you, obvs.
Netflix’s Perfect Match is Another Flop
Can someone please hire me to work in content strategy or unscripted development at Netflix? Seriously, the gar-bahge they have been churning out in recent years is bordering on unacceptable. . .Dated & Related, The Ultimatum, Singles’ Inferno — all just tired reformulations of the same trite formulas.
I was hopeful that Perfect Match might be a break from the drudgery because it uses an all-stars casting approach, filling the roster with memorable hot singles from the Netflix Reality Universe (NRU). I hate having to take the effort to remember and get to know characters on these shows, so when there’s built-in familiarity from their tenure on Love is Blind, The Circle, etc., it’s a little less strenuous of a watch — after all, as Chase “Roach Guy” from Too Hot to Handle put it, they are “A or B List celebrities.”
A lot of where the show goes wrong happens in the edit. Episodes are an hour long AND CHANGE, which is frankly insulting to the viewer. It’s just totally not accounting for the fact that I also have to watch 43 minutes of chiropractor videos on TikTok and listen to a 90-minute improv podcast — selfish and presumptuous!
But seriously, the pacing is terrible. In one 27-minute stretch, we watched multiple montages of the contestants making out with one another blindfolded, and then had to listen to them tell host Nick Lachey their feedback for each one — how many times can we hear someone say “it was passionate” or “he used the right amount of tongue” and why is this segment longer than an entire episode of Seinfeld?
The one semi-interesting aspect of the show that differs from some of its predecessors is that whichever couple “wins” the inane challenge of the week assumes a power position: they get to choose two new contestants to enter the game and set them up on blind dates with current contestants of their choosing — either helping someone in a low-chem couple find their match, or planting seeds of doubt and disruption in a stronger, more threatening duo.
But it’s not enough to save the series, and I think as a culture, we need to move away from dating shows. I hate to say it, but it’s true! The Bachelor franchise has never been more boring, streamers are plopping attractive people on islands with no plan of action and assuming they’ll go viral, and the novelty has just overall worn off.
If you want to see people gossip about each other, watch Real Housewives, and if you want to see heavy petting, watch light porn or better yet, reruns of Skins.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Knock at the Cabin
Listening: The aforementioned Raven from Love is Blind on The Viall Files
Reading: “Sex, Love, and the State of the Rom-Com” (The New Yorker)
