Get ready with me to fly to Dubai
Everyone needs to cancel their weekend plans and watch The Traitors on Peacock. It’s basically a live-action game of Mafia with an amazing cast of reality TV psychos (Brandi from Real Housewives, Cirie from Survivor, Kyle from Summer House. . .chaos) forced to cohabitate in a Scottish castle. Alan Cumming hosts and wears a lot of berets. It’s an all-around delightful romp.
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Meryl Streep joins Only Murders Season 3. I like Paul Rudd fine enough, like I’ll maybe see Ant Man, but I am so glad we’re getting a boost in this season’s star power. They needed to bring it after shoving Amy Schumer in our face so much last season.
And speaking of, Selena Gomez is allegedly dating a Chainsmoker. When she’s not getting acting lessons from Meryl Streep and Martin Short, she’s bowling with Drew from The Chainsmokers. And when he’s not hanging with Selena, he’s having threesomes with his bandmate.
Dua Lipa, Michaela Coel, Penelope Cruz, and Roger Federer will co-chair the Met Gala. I don’t really have anything to say about this but I thought you should know.
Kim K buys Princess Di’s famed cross necklace. She snagged it at Sotheby’s annual Royal & Noble auction for $197,453, which Sotheby claims is double their pre-auction estimate. The woman from
made a great point on her Instagram about how like with the Marilyn dress, Kim is using her capital to solidify her proximity to icons, maybe in an effort to cement her place in history alongside them.
What in the world is happening in Dubai?!
Remember in like, 2009 when Gossip Girl ratings started faltering because of the recession since no one wanted to watch rich teens drinking French 75s while their Toyota Camry got repoed? (And speaking of, the shitty HBO Max reboot just got canceled).
That’s kind of happening again right now via an influencer brand trip to Dubai, sponsored by Tarte cosmetics.
Tarte used to be a beauty bag staple, from the much-revered Shape Tape concealer to those crayon lip stains that I was absolutely obsessed with in high school. But in recent years, they’ve kind of fallen off — one of beauty TikTok’s biggest influencers, Mikayla Nogueira, remarked in a video that while Tarte used to set trends, now they follow them, sometimes duping popular products to a tee rather than innovating new offerings.
So this sets the backdrop of this influencer extravaganza, which includes top names like Alix Earle, Meredith the foundation girl, etc. AND their plus-ones flying first-class on Emirates and staying in luxe suites at the Ritz Carlton in Dubai. . .like the kind where you have your own private pool. Not even Tanya is getting that kind of treatment at the White Lotus!
The phrase “Tarte Dubai Trip” is trending on TikTok, because not only are the influencers’ videos of their $5,000-a-night hotel rooms immediately going viral, but now there’s a full-on side discourse about the morality of the trip, with critics calling it tone-deaf and wasteful.
I’ll be curious to see how much additional content from the trip the influencers end up posting, or how they choose what to highlight. No one is really shading them for attending the trip, but I’m wondering if they’re worried that the association will have a negative impact on their personal brands, especially for someone like Alix, whose schtick seems to be the relatable popular girl.
More than anything, I really hope some sort of drama or scandal unfolds in the next couple days, and when it does I would like to formally option the rights for a limited series.
Breaking Down The Bachelor Bios
I’d like to apologize for hitting you with back-to-back weeks of Bachelor content. This is not a Bachelor Nation newsletter, but there also hasn’t really been that much other stuff going on.
The 27th season of The Bachelor returns on Monday, January 23rd, starring fan least favorite Zach Shallcross, who seems like the type of dude who got all the lead roles in his high school plays because he was the only boy with a deep voice, but once he got to college, struggled to find his identity.
Zach was a finalist on last season's Bachelorette(s) fiasco, but was let go by Rachel following the most awkward Morning After in franchise history, which included Rachel miming chewing coffee beans. The party line is that Zach self-eliminated, which is technically true, but it’s kind of like yelling “I quit!” right before your boss can say “you’re fired.”
Zachary clearly has a type, and that type is Day Player on All My Children. How can you tell me these three aren’t playing estranged sisters reunited under mysterious circumstances?
His likelihood of ending up with a nurse is a whopping 17%, with 5 of the 30 contestants holding some variation of the title. (Also, there’s about as many contestants of color as there are nurses which is…not great). I can see how the nurse thing might be appealing to him on the surface, but I doubt that dating a nurse IRL equates to a sheltered 26-year-old dude’s horny fantasy. It’s probably a lot more Nurse Jackie than Grey’s Anatomy, and I don’t know that Zach is ready to take on the harrowing truth of the opioid epidemic.
And on that note, let’s make some guesses about what we can expect from the new cast of Smile Direct Club ambassadors on Night One.
Most Likely to Wear a Furry Costume: Sonia
It’s unclear how producers trick a contestant into wearing a life-sized sloth costume, but it’s historically been known as a kiss of death, because you’ll only ever be seen as Sloth Girl, which isn’t that hot to 98% of the population. We’ve never had a Furry Bachelor to my knowledge, but maybe Zach could be the one, who knows.
I’m giving the Furry award to Sonia, because she’s a self-proclaimed “life of the party” who “never says ‘no’ to a game of truth or dare.”
Sonia’s going to dress up as a turtle and deliver an opening line that’s like, “let’s grow old together!” since turtles live to be 100. Zach will laugh politely.
Most Likely To Gift Zach a Personal Item: Brooklyn
Brooklyn is a bona fide Horse Girl, who dreams of leaving behind her career in dental design (designing custom teeth for life-saving dental operations) to be a professional rodeo cowgirl. She’s kind of like the opposite of that elf from Rudolph who hates making toys and wants to be a dentist.
Brooklyn probably has a stable full of horses at her Oklahoma ranch and will bring her “lucky horseshoe” for Zach to hold onto while he finds his queen. Zach will be moved by this gesture.
Most Likely To Tattle On Other Contestants: Davia
A tried-and-true tactic when the bachelor isn’t that into you is to steal him for a second to divulge information about what’s going on in the house with the other girls, which you think is in his (your) best interest to share.
The bachelor thanks you, you get a bump in screen time, and you’re sent packing the following week after the ensuing drama subsides.
This could very much be the case for Davia, as I found her bio troubling. She shares that she can “out-burp anyone,” which to me indicates that she has low social awareness and will leverage extreme tactics to get attention.
Plus, she works in marketing, and I know from experience that means she’s either really dumb, really conniving, or both.
Most Likely To Flub Her Limo Entrance: Madison
Madison is going to be fighting an uphill battle this season. First of all, being from Fargo already sounds like we’re teeing up a punchline.
Second of all, she says that she “hates ALL sauces.” This tells me that she is rigid, controlling, and uninspired. She’ll stutter through her intro or accidentally elbow Zach in the nose when she goes in for a hug.
Most Likely To Recite a Rap or Poem: Greer
Greer claims she never feels embarrassment, which is probably a strength in real life, but a liability on reality TV. She’s described as “bold and hilarious” which will definitely be weaponized against her by production.
I can see her getting talked into serenading Zach Kendall Roy style with a romantic rap (?) that actually lands for him, on account of him being the cheugiest person on the planet.
Most Likely to Make Someone Cry: Holland
This Meredith Blake lookalike is getting the villain edit before the show has even begun. Her bio closes with, “Holland knows what she wants, and good luck to anyone who tries to stop her!” What she wants is screen time, and the way to get it is bullying people.
Adding fuel to the fire, she’s from Florida (yikes), loves pilates (mean), and enjoys “yachting with the girls” (speaks for itself). Even though she’s only 24, I think that Zach will be genuinely terrified of her, but forced to keep her around for five to six episodes as a producer pick.
Most Likely to Be Made Cry: Jess
I’m worried that anyone described as a “sweet soul” will be chewed up and spat out like Rachel’s coffee beans by the reality tv machine.
Jess “could play Bananagrams all day and never get bored,” which screams indoors person. As a fellow indoors person, that’s not a knock, but it also spells a high probability of spinning out in a high-pressure, unrelenting social situation, as well as getting bullied by people who look like Holland.
One That Got Away Award: Cara
I have a feeling that Cara is going to be an unjustly early boot because she’s over the age of 25 and has a real job. She might be similar to Rachel in that regard, but I don’t think Zach would ever organically fall in love with someone like Rachel, it was more a product of circumstance.
In my mind, he dates younger, because he likes to feel like the man of the house. He always seems like he’s acting in the role of Man — going back to his theater kid days, he’s like, “this is what an adult man is supposed to sound like. I tip my hat to you!” All this to say, he’s seeking out a Liesl and Rolf situation where he can show a 23-year-old the way of the world.
Cara seems hot and normal and I love her fun fact that she “is not a good cook, but she is great at assembling meals,” since that’s also how I live my life. She can hit me up after her ABC contract expires.
Honorable Mentions for Best Fun Facts:
Aly loves broccolini but hates broccoli.
Becca wore a lot of beanies in high school and gave off a skater-girl vibe.
Mercedes' hobby is showing pigs at the Iowa State Fair.
Sonia dreams of taking a trip to Arizona.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: When You Finish Saving the World (A24) — I’m seeing this tonight, it got kind of mixed reviews and seems like very standard A24 fare.
Reading: “The Mindy Kaling Backlash Has Lost All Nuance” (BuzzFeed News) (Velma is still bad tho)
Listening: MrBeast Dethroned a Child to Become the Most Successful YouTube Star (ICYMI)
The British version of The Traitors has been HUGE. Love that Alan Cumming is hosting in the States. Fun fact: one of the UK traitors works in my building.