Friendly but not friends
This week I’ve embarked on my third and final cat-sitting appointment of the month — and I really need the money because I’m starting an Uncultured podcast extension!
I feel like I’m going to get derisive eye rolls from this, because at this point it’s embarrassing to start a podcast if you aren’t famous or hot (it’s an audio platform yet somehow the hot girls have still gotten their claws into it), but if I don’t give myself enough activities I’ll end up in a multi-day Survivor wormhole with nothing to show for myself, so it was this or basket-weaving.
Kardash Korner
You don’t think I feel bad, I feel sad!
Most pressing news of the week — the end of Kim & Pete. I found this to be quite jarring given how critical he’s been to Kardash business outputs in the last few weeks; Kim talked about when it was time to introduce him to her kids during her SKNN press tour, he was teased at both the end of season 1 of The Kardashians and in the recent promo for season 2, and it was rumored that he would be part of the rollout for SKIMS for men. Plus, he’s been featured in multiple of Kim’s in-feed IG posts as late as mid-July.
I saw a TikTok saying that they think Kim will date a woman next, because it’s the most headline-worthy thing she could do after Pete. She’s passed 40, she’s looking for someone more mature. . .who’s more emotionally mature than women?! Let’s set Kim up with Kate McKinnon and really start some shit in the SNL alumni circle.
Kim & Pete’s breakup was conveniently announced alongside the birth of Khloe and Tristan’s son, masterfully taking the heat off of Khloe. Like, I’ve barely given this baby a second thought! But for the purposes of this newsletter, I’ve brainstormed a few names:
Talon, Tyrus — these are both Biblical names that start with T, knowing that Khloe’s a huge Bible stan.
Robert — this is Khloe’s Dad and brother’s name. This could be a good way to cement that even if the child is a Thompson on paper, he is a Kardashian baby.
Myth — okay she definitely would never ever do this, but it goes with True thematically and it’s the type of weird that celebs go for.
Our attention was diverted again by Kylie’s makeout pics with Baby Daddy Trav for the first time since their on-again-off-again began. On Saturday, Kylie and Stormi attended Travis’ first major performance since the Astroworld tragedy, and yesterday, she celebrated her 25th birthday with Kim and Kendall on a “intimate girls trip.” She’s 25 getting bashed for her private jet, I’m 25 stealing turkey jerky from the office snack drawer.
Viral Bible
Internet wormholes, celeb deep dives, etc.
There is absolutely no reason we should be hearing about Meghan Trainor as much as we have in the past 8 weeks.
If you don’t remember, Meghan rose to fame in 2014 with her song All About That Bass, which was incredibly traumatizing for skinny people.
She’s releasing her fourth studio album on October 21st, and after a slew of flops, it looks like she’s taking the social media algorithm by the throat to become relevant again in time for the release.
Let’s take a look at the evidence:
Enlisting Chris Olsen to boost her TikTok fame. If you aren’t familiar (and why would you be?), Chris is a twenty-something with around 4M TikTok followers who first became famous for couples content in the pandemic, but then got dumped by his older daddy boyfriend (watching their relationship collapse in real time was actually fascinating). Apparently, he and Meghan have been “friends since childhood,” but he only started appearing in her videos for the first time late April of 2022. Now he basically lives in the Trainor house, babysitting her child in a slutty maid outfit. Meghan’s using him to capture a younger audience, and Chris is using her to cling to stardom, but it does seem like their friendship has blossomed through these mutual business interests!
In a recent interview with Billboard this week, Meghan spoke to the promotional strategy: “If a new artist asked me what I should do with music, I would be like, ‘Get a TikTok.'”
Disney Mom Trip. What better way to infiltrate mainstream culture than through the cult of Disney? Last weekend Meghan joined Hilary Duff and Ashley Tisdale on a spa getaway in Santa Fe, highly publicized on the gram.
The His & Hers toilet reveal. Meghan shared in an interview the disconcerting fact that her husband hangs out with her in the bathroom while she’s taking care of business, and if he doesn’t, she misses him, because that’s how deep their soulmate connection runs. . .it’s giving suburban #TwinFlames. If you’ve been in the industry as long as Meghan has, you know that any horrific detail like that will spread like clickbait herpes.
A few months ago we talked about artists like Halsey whining about their music labels making them upload TikToks as if they were being held at gunpoint, but Meghan is approaching marketing with full Rachel Berry energy, which I actually respect more. As Kim K once said, “get your fucking ass up and work!”
Skinny Soundbites
Half-baked mini thoughts
Two cannibal themed trailers dropped in the past 24 hours, featuring the former on-screen lovers Armie Hammer and Timothee Chalamet. Armie’s self-admitted cannibal tendencies will be explored in the new Discovery+ documentary House of Hammer, while Timmy will star in the “cannibal romance” Bones and All, from his Call Me By Your Name director — maybe Armie will also reunite with the team as a consultant.
The L.L. Bean Tote Bag, the Neverfull of the crunchy Massachusetts mom, is getting Gen Z treatment with ironic monograms. Emblazoned with phrases like “prenup,” “gone girl” and “cult leader,” the humorous and practical bags are an accessible summer status symbol for those in on the joke.
Camila Cabello confirmed that she is dating Lox Club founder Austin Kevitch, which is ironic because they definitely met on Raya.
Prekend Wrapped
What the fuck is a prekend?
Eating: The brand new Sweetgreen summer menu featuring WATERMELON.
Reading: The Most Interesting Man In Reality Television (Bustle)
Watching: Bodies Bodies Bodies (A24)
