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Banana Peels, Breakups, Blind sides, and a Guide to the Jeremys
Last night I did a Too Good To Go pickup from a bagel place in Williamsburg, and I kid you not, they gave me 14 bagels. I was expecting maybe four! And I’m not gonna go out and buy a whole thing of cream cheese for 1-2 bagels. I should have just bought a singular bagel. Let this be a warning!!
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Britney Spears gets divorced. The onslaught of summer divorce devestation continues! Britney and Sam Asghari are splitting up after 14 months of marriage and several years of dating.
He’s trying to come for her money, she hired the best lawyers in the biz. She’s also buying a horse.
Keke Palmer and Darius Jackson break up, too. This one I’m not mad about! He made his bed when he made those public slut-shaming comments on her Instagram about her Usher concert dress.
"We live in a generation where a man of the family doesn't want the wife & mother to his kids to showcase booty cheeks to please others & he gets told how much of a hater he is."
Sucks that they’re going to have to continue to co-parent this 5-month-old child for the rest of their lives, but hopefully Keke can find someone worthy of her sparkle and this man can be relegated to weekend visitation.
Ashley Olsen welcomes baby Otto. There’s literally nothing to say about this because she gives nothing (except birth, apparently). And she doesn’t have to, I’m just bored of mentioning headlines about the Olsens every six to eight months when they have a major life event. I guess I can just abstain, it’s not like this is The New York Times.
Dax Shepherd and Kristen Bell are butt hurt that people made fun of their Logan Airport debacle. Speaking of people who give nothing, Dax and Kristen need to give LESS. They are so emotional it’s exhausting — you’d think that a combined forty years in the industry would have toughened them up a bit, but no.
A couple weeks ago, the couple got “stranded” at the airport after extensive flight delays, due to “every hotel in Boston being booked.” They took the opportunity to make content in the airport (excessive pillow purchases, brushing their teeth, etc.) before friends in the area invited them back to their place.
The internet was suspicious that EVERY hotel room in Boston was truly booked (let’s be real, they probably only called The Four Seasons), and did what the internet do, which is troll.
Kax took that personally, and talked about it this week on Dax’s insufferable podcast, saying that their detractors “lacked emotional and intellectual capacity.” Just pop a Xanax and relish in the fact that you’re rich and famous! Take a page out of the Speidi book!
Zooey Deschanel gets engaged to her property brother. After reading this headline, I subsequently had a dream last night that I was in the hometown of the Property Brothers, and got an exclusive tour of their warehouse.
Anyway, he proposed on a family trip to the Zoo(ey) with her two kids during their Scotland vacation.
Billy Porter is still mad about the Harry Styles Vogue cover. He spoke about it this week with The Telegraph, and called Anna Wintour “that bitch” LOL. But not like “I’m that bitch!!” more like, “I made that bitch famous.”
The Blind Side, a hoax? America’s favorite white savior movie is under fire after the film’s subject, former NFL player Michael Oher, alleged that his adoptive “parents” lied about adopting him, and instead tricked him into entering a conservatorship, coercing him into signing away his life rights while they enjoyed the profits.
The “parents” claim they split the movie profits evenly with Michael, but don’t deny the conservatorship play.
Conservatorships should be illegal! When are they ever not bad??
Jessica Chastain reveals she used to eat banana peels. On the Marc Maron podcast, the Oscar-winner disclosed that in grade school, she would eat banana and orange peels for attention.
“I remember sitting in the cafeteria and eating orange peels and banana peels because it made people notice me. . .The other kids would be like, ‘Oh my God, look at her.’ I know, it’s terrible. I just wanted people to notice me for being a weirdo, that I was existing, something.”
This is sooooooo theater kid-coded!!! Pica: The Musical!!!!
A Thirsty Guide to The Jeremys: The New Hollywood Chris
Last week I got to analyze the boyfriend material of the four biggest Hollywood Jeremys for Betches, and I like to think that Jeremy Piven, who was omitted for obvious reasons, saw it on Threads and yelled at his publicist.
For years, the American public has fiercely debated one topic in endless circles: Which Chris is best?
There’s Chris Evans, the Boston hottie who will protect you from rogue pigeons on your morning Dunkin’ run. There’s Chris Hemsworth, oft wielding his big, enchanted hammer. Chris Pine, whose sultry eyes will transport you to another galaxy. And of course, Chris Pratt, who dumped America’s sweetheart Anna Faris and famously made a speech about how to take a shit at parties during the MTV Movie Awards.
Now, there’s a new band of same-namers in town: The Jeremys. Strong, Renner, Allen White, Irons.
To make sense of this emerging tinseltown clan in the only way we know how, we’ve put together a thirsty guide to help you assess which Jeremy could be your everlasting twin flame, or, at the very least, a reliable sneaky link.
Jeremy Allen White
Best known for his breakout role on the grungy dramedy The Bear, Jeremy Allen White became an overnight sex symbol for all the former restaurant hostesses who dated line cooks in their early twenties.
Pros:
Arms bulge out his perfectly fitted white t-shirt
Might call you “chef” in bed
Could recklessly tattoo your initials on his chest
Cons:
Has his fingers in multiple pies
Too focused on his perfect French omelet to watch Love Island with you
Probably doesn’t have boundaries with his overbearing “ma”
Love Language: Acts of service. He’ll take your Honda Civic to the shop to check your oil without you having to ask. But, on the other hand, he might expect you to help him spackle his entire apartment before he moves in with you so he doesn’t lose his security deposit.
Attachment Style: Avoidant. He’s afraid to love! But you’ll fix him.
Jeremy Renner
He may not be the first famous Jeremy that comes to mind, but he still packs a punch.
Pros:
Could save you in a snowmobile accident
Not a bad choice if you need help robbing a bank
Has an army of Rennerheads who will protect you at all costs
Cons:
Inferiority complex
Might serenade you
Calls Wednesday “Rennsday”
Love Language: Words of affirmation. The guy had a whole app developed devoted to giving his fans daily Jeremy Renner updates and holding contests to determine the biggest Rennerhead. Clearly, he needs constant validation, and will not be satisfied with a simple “you look nice” when he comes downstairs wearing his new Armani peacoat.
Attachment Style: Disorganized. This man thought he was going to take over both the Mission Impossible AND The Bourne Identity franchises and both were ripped away from him, so his fear of rejection and abandonment runs deep.
Jeremy Strong
Could Jeremy Strong be the number one boy of your heart?
Pros:
Well-read
Down to coordinate cool outfits with you
Active listener
Cons:
Always goes for the 10-dollar word
Probably makes too much eye contact
What if he gets cast as a serial killer and has to go method?
Love Language: Quality time. He wants to take you on a leisurely stroll through the Williamsburg farmers’ market and then make a humble homemade dinner with the all fresh produce while you engage in a wide-ranging conversation about Kant and Voltaire.
Attachment Style: Anxious. He might have a calm demeanor, but I just know on the inside he’s a walking Valium ad. He doesn’t know how to take things slow, and will ask you to “go steady” after two dates.
Jeremy Irons
If zaddies are more your speed, Jeremy Irons could fit the bill.
Pros:
Rolls his own cigarettes
Has a fancy accent
Owns a castle
Cons:
Not an adventurous eater
Needs constant help pairing his AirPods
Will make you watch the Zack Snyder cut
Love Language: Receiving gifts. But don’t waste your breath writing a Hallmark card — he’s only interested in Academy Awards.
Attachment Style: Secure. He’s 74; he’s been around the block. He doesn’t really care if you stay or go, so long as you don’t trample his petunias on your way out.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: My soon to be EX roommate (#divorce) recommended a new show on Discovery/Max called Survive The Raft. Just by the title alone, I’m sold.
Listening: Alyson Stoner’s new child star podcast, Dear Hollywood
Reading: “‘Girl’ Trends and The Repackaging of Womanhood” (Vox)
I WISH YOU WOULD LOL