Breaking up is hard to do
Gaylor, JoJo Siwa's First Tat, and Celebrity Breakups Ranked
Today’s Uncultured comes to you from my parents’ house in coastal Massachusetts. I’m in an adirondack chair! There’s something about those that just feels so luxe, you know? How often do you get to be in adirondack chair during your normal city life? Not enough!
The Low-Brow Lowdown
Taylor Swift announces 1989 re-release, slated for October 27. Look, I’m not complaining. I love Tay and I will happily gobble up these five new vault tracks. I’m just saying, from the self-described “Mastermind,” can we be a little bit more strategic with our drops?
She talked about being oversaturated in the infamous Kanye tape, but in August of 2023, we are past oversaturated. I feel like I’m in a movie about a crazy party friend who forces you on a year-long bender, but instead of snorting coke you’re just dropping pop hits.
There’s something to be said for being missed! Take a couple months off after the tour, go to Majorca. Let all the normies settle back into their sad, mundane routines, and then BAM! Like Batman, she returns when the world needs her most.
More interestingly, Karlie Kloss attended last night’s Eras show. She notably wasn’t even in the VIP tent, she was just chilling on the bleachers with the rest of the poors!!
IDK, I feel like Karlie secretly likes the attention of the Gaylor romance even post-fallout. It’s probably beyond boring being married to Josh Kushner. In my personal fan fiction universe, Karlie hops on the summer divorce train (more on that later) and then she and Taylor get back together. It could happen!
Speaking of models, Gigi and Bella’s sister walks her first runway. 38-year-old Alana Hadid modeled for Saks Potts during Copenhagen Fashion Week. I guess someone needs to step up while Bella is out of comish with her “lyme disease.”
Wayne Brady announces he’s pansexual. Why does everyone need to hold a press conference every time they decide they want to sleep with a different subset of the public? Who cares who anyone is fucking unless both parties are famous? Wayne, come back to us when you’re dating someone B-list or above.
Kim K discloses secret broken shoulder. This is the most Kim thing to do. Suffer in silence and then be like, “ha HA! I broke my shoulder six weeks ago but I’m working out again — can’t get me down!”
This also definitely means a really boring Kardashians S4 episode where they spend 20 minutes on Kimberly at a luxury X-ray facility.
JoJo Siwa gets her first tattoo. JoJo really keeps the Uncultured lights on. This week she posted on IG about her first tattoo, the number 1031 behind her ear, for which she has terrible rationale:
1,031 was the number of days her first concert tour, “D.R.E.A.M. THE TOUR” lasted. Plus, she says, 3 is her recruit number on the upcoming season of celebrity reality show “World’s Toughest Test.” Tom Sandoval and JoJo Siwa in one room? Yes I will be watching.
ALSO she got the tat in the company of Raven Symone and her wife, for some reason. What a strong showing for the Hollywood lesbians.
Whitney Port doesn’t know what to eat. The Hills star spoke about the growing “concern” surrounding her weight loss. I put concern in quotes, because I don’t think people are ever actually concerned, they’re just jealous, but they frame it as concern so that they have grounds for telling you to gain weight so they don’t have to feel bad about themselves every time they look at you.
Anyway, Whitney claims that she’s not “consciously” trying to lose weight, but that “I always feel hungry but I don’t know what to eat.” Uhm, maybe just have a Soylent then? Can Soylent sponsor her?
Dunkin’ to launch Dunkin’ Spiked. It is what it sounds like!
A Highly Scientific Ranking of Every Summer Celebrity Breakup
I might have gotten a generous C- on my high school chemistry final, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t throw on a lab coat and break some beakers with this latest science journalism piece for Betches.
Y’all, IDK what suspicious probiotic is in those $19 Erewhon smoothies, but something is making every celebrity in Hollywood lawyer up and kick love in the mouth.
Given the relentless onslaught of divorces and breakups, we thought it was only apt that we rank the top 10 splits based on their impact on pop culture discourse, using an airtight, scientific method.
Each breakup is evaluated based on the following criteria:
Public-Facing Remarks (1-5): Did the couple make a revealing Notes App statement? Did shocking evidence come to light during the divorce proceedings? Were saucy remarks made to TMZ? Did a strategically timed, cryptic Instagram quote tell us everything we needed to know?
Grounds For Breakup (1-5): This one is tricky, because we can only operate based on what we know publicly or what we choose to blatantly assume. But things like cheating allegations or dating a loser will increase point value.
Shock Value (1-5): Did we see this coming for months, or was it a jaw-dropping revelation? Did we immediately send a link to our group chat, or did we go “huh,” and scroll to a video of squirrels playing with yarn?
Let’s dive into the results, and if you disagree, feel free to take it up with my representation.
10. Sophia Bush and Grant Hughes
Public-Facing Remarks: 1
Grounds for Breakup: 1
Shock Value: 1
TOTAL SCORE: 3
Oof, a divorce after 13 months is so embarrassing. It’s the highly public, real-life realization of Gob from Arrested Development saying, “I’ve made a huge mistake.”
Sophia and Grant seem like the type of people who call their SO “their partner in crime,” but their version of hijinks is ordering Domino’s for dinner. They’re both so irrelevant that I didn’t even realize they got married in the first place, making this the snooziest divorce of the summer.
9. Kaitlyn Bristowe and Jason Tartick
Public-Facing Remarks: 2
Grounds For Breakup: 1
Shock Value: 2
TOTAL SCORE: 5
There are very few benefits to appearing in The Bachelor franchise, outside of getting to start a podcast and having those Athletic Greens smoothie packets sent to you for free. But one legitimate gain after losing out on the final rose is a ticket into the exclusive network of extremely hot, extremely single Bachelor alumni, which is how Kaitlyn and Jason kicked off their romance and eventual engagement.
They were an ABC golden couple, a shining example of how “this process works!” (sort of!) But reality TV stars love to remind us that an engagement rock is ultimately as empty and meaningless as a chastity ring.
Fans had seen their split coming for months, but from their lengthy Instagram statements we know that they hope to remain friends and follow the Jason Oppenheim and Mary Fitzgerald playbook of dog co-parenting.
8. Justin Trudeau and Sophie Trudeau
Public-Facing Remarks: 2
Grounds for Breakup: 2
Shock Value: 2
TOTAL SCORE: 6
It’s surprising on the surface that these two squeaky clean Canadian nerds are separating, but if I actually think critically about it, I’m sure being a first lady is pretty annoying — your husband is like, “darling, I can’t focus on our sexual relations when I have international relations to attend to!”
You don’t get to have a real job (Sophie gave up her entertainment reporting role around 2007 when Justin’s political career took off), your needs are probably, like, everyone’s seventeenth priority, and you can’t say “fuck” in public.
7. Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello
Public-Facing Remarks: 1
Grounds for Breakup: 2
Shock Value: 3
TOTAL SCORE: 6
Should you wish your ex “happy birthday”? Joe’s sterile birthday ‘gram for Sofia was one of the first signs that trouble was afoot in the seven-year marriage between the hotties.
In terms of grounds for the split, little has been shared publicly, outside the “irreconcilable differences” Joe cited in his divorce filing. And they got engaged after six months, so the real surprise in all of this is that they lasted as long as they did!
It seems like millennials took this breakup really hard because they all loved Modern Family or something, but I personally couldn’t care less about either of these individuals. Love died when Brad Pitt dumped Jennifer Aniston, not when Sofia Vergara split from Magic Mike.
6. Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied
Public-Facing Remarks: 1
Grounds for Breakup: 5
Shock Value: 1
TOTAL SCORE: 7
I have a question: Where do you get off cheating on Natalie Portman? This rumored breakup is one of many examples that solidifies to me that there’s really no point for women to try. We can be Harvard-educated, Academy Award-winning, stunningly beautiful, rail thin, great in bed (I assume), and an all-around swell hang, and our husbands will still find reasons to (allegedly) fuck a 20-year-old.
If a man can’t stay faithful to Natalie Portman, what am I doing always turning down dessert? If I’m going to get cheated on regardless, I might as well get to eat tiramisu.
5. Taylor Swift and Matty Healy
Public-Facing Remarks: 1
Grounds for Breakup: 5
Shock Value: 1
TOTAL SCORE: 7
I recently watched the film adaption of the Stephen King novel Misery, in which a severely disturbed cottage dweller played by Kathy Bates effectively kidnaps a brilliant novelist and holds him hostage in her home for months — as it becomes clear that their time together is drawing to a close, she remarks, “you’ll never know the fear of losing someone like you if you’re someone like me.”
This perfectly encapsulates Taylor’s entire relationship with Matty. The most renowned lyricist of her generation, rebounding her six-year relationship by slumming it with a historically problematic, probable Rogan apologist.
To her, some casual sex and inspiration for one to two hit pop songs. For him, the single best thing that will ever happen in his life, ripped away as quickly as it began.
4. Ariana Grande and Dalton Gomez
Public-Facing Remarks: 1
Grounds for Breakup: 4
Shock Value: 2
TOTAL SCORE: 7
On her platinum hit “thank u, next,” Ariana claimed that she would only walk down the aisle once, which was a naively optimistic belief to hold as a Grammy-winning megastar. The statement held even less water when the man she chose as her one and only was a random “real estate broker” who looks like he just stepped out of a Shane Dawson YouTube video.
While I fully support Ari cutting her losses after two unfulfilling years in pursuit of finding a life partner better suited to her needs, her tryst with SpongeBob Squarepants is deeply troubling, to put it mildly. But more on that later.
3. Jeremy Allen White and Addison Timlin
Public-Facing Remarks: 3
Grounds for Breakup: 3
Shock Value: 2
TOTAL SCORE: 8
The bear is on the loose! Following the overnight success of his hit FX drama The Bear, the only logical next step was for Jeremy Allen White to dump his wife and take advantage of his newfound heartthrob status.
Technically, his wife Addison was the one who filed for divorce, and she added fuel to the garbage fire by referring to herself as a “single mom” in an Instagram post reflecting on the highs and lows of parenthood.
But J-Man was evidently unbothered, and my guess is the whole thing was his fault anyway! He’s been making out with models and proudly walking around Los Angeles sweaty and shirtless for weeks to get his freshly-minted B-List pheromones out on the scene.
2. Kevin Costner and Christine Baumgartner
Public-Facing Remarks: 4
Grounds for Breakup: 2
Shock Value: 3
TOTAL SCORE: 9
We may not know the details of the marital strife that caused Kevin Costner’s wife Christine to file for divorce after nearly 20 years together, but we do know she’s a gladiator who plans to take him for all his yellowstones.
Not only did Christine refuse to vacate their shared, $145M oceanside home for months (squatter’s rights!), she demanded a whopping $248,000 a month in alimony. Which is fair! The kids needed SAT tutors and she needed a $5,000 Prada bag.
From the beginning of this saga, the headlines have been out-of-pocket. Kevin fears Christine will steal all his pots and pans! Christine allegedly vacations in Hawaii with Kevin’s best friend!
It’s peak bad behavior from conniving rich people, and has proved an excellent audition reel for RHOBH, or maybe House of The Dragon.
1. Ethan Slater and Lilly Jay
Public-Facing Remarks: 5
Grounds for Breakup: 5
Shock Value: 5
TOTAL SCORE: 15
Imagine this: You and your husband, your high school sweetheart, share a quiet and unassuming life together in a Brooklyn brownstone. You’re a research psychologist, and he’s a working actor that still recounts that one time he was asked for a photo in line at Russ & Daughters. One day, he comes home and tells you he booked a movie musical in London — you, a supportive wife, wish him adieu, and stay back taking care of your shared child while he follows his dream.
A year later, you get a call that he’s divorcing you to date ARIANA FUCKING GRANDE. The Daily Mail is stationed outside your house! Everyone on the internet is calling you SpongeBob’s ex-wife!
Obvi this sucks for Lilly, but this is probably the best scandal since Don’t Worry Darling. Ethan is throwing away his 10-year relationship with his wife and potentially sacrificing his future relationship with his son so that he can spend three to five months hooking up with a pop star. It’s a poorly calculated Sophie’s Choice, when all he needed was a hall pass.
Meanwhile, Lilly gave Page Six the quote of the summer when she told them that homewrecker Ariana “is not a girl’s girl.” Easy, breezy, devastating.
Prekend Wrapped
Watching: Only Murders In The Building S3 (Hulu)
Eating: Whatever came in the HelloFresh box that I forgot to cancel.
Reading: “Who Was Lil Tay? The Making, and Marketing, of a 9-Year-Old Meme Machine” (New York Magazine)
