Baby Bieber Is Coming!!!
And I have baby name predictions. . .
Happy Friday! I have to tell you guys that I had my second Kardashian entourage sighting last week. I’ve talked about how I randomly Zoomed with Simon Huck about a seltzer brand during my PR days, and I collected a new Pokemon when I saw flower mogul Jeff Leatham IRL at his new NYC exhibit!
It’s called Bloomtanica and it’s free at Genesis House through June 2! Great activity if out-of-towners are visiting and you’re trying to think of something to do other than the high line for the 14th time.
This morning I got to do another baby name predictor for Betches! I feel like I should start making TikToks where I pretend I’m actually considering these.
Hailey Bieber's *LEAKED* Baby Names List, Straight Off Her Notes App
The rumors are true! Hailey and Justin Beiber are about to be parents, blending their genetic Monets to create one very symmetrical baby. Maybe Justin’s viral crying selfie was simply about the impending joys of fatherhood?? Or showing his possible future son that real men access and display their emotions on a global platform?
If you are pregnancy twins with Hailey right now, I am so sorry! While you’re waddling around with feet the size of Jeff Bezos’ yacht, Hailey will be doing a tastefully nude pregnancy photo shoot with Harper’s Bazaar and Annie Liebovitz. She’ll be posting Bible verses and cursive story captions about how beautiful this journey is, and you’re going to be vomiting in the bathroom while your Zoom call is on mute and your manager Slacks you that you’ve “seemed a little checked out lately.”
Hailey’s worst day will always be two decathlons ahead of your best day. She’s the type of girl who uses one dot of concealer before leaving for the Met Gala. She’s the literal embodiment of that dumb T.J.Maxx tank top quote, “I don’t sweat, I glisten.” If she had regular, non-model friends, she’d say things to them like, “ugh, I wish my hair had volume like yours,” or “being this thin is so annoying, I wish I had your curves,” or “do you want my maternity clothes when I’m done with them? They’ll be great everyday staples for you.”
Just like Hailey manifested her entire relationship with her pop star idol Justin Bieber, she’s going to manifest being the hottest mom at dropoff at Sierra Canyon. Her post-baby bod will rebound faster than you can say pilates. She and Kylie are going to be having Alo Yoga-clad playdates while childless Kendall third wheels.
And since she’s clawed her way from fan to A-Lister, I’m betting good money ($11) that her first born will have a classic, out-of-pocket celebrity name. It’s going to be unexpected, polarizing, something Nara Smith wishes she thought of. Hailz is not going to plan and execute a 10-month baby launch communications strategy just to push out an Ashley.
Let’s take a peek at the names in contention, straight from the chaotic yet sacred confines of her iPhone Notes App. But don’t get too excited — the final pick will still have to be vetted by the church, The Lede Company, and the United States Trademark Office.
Watching: Hacks S3
Eating: Magic Spoon Cereal — review forthcoming!
Reading: “Kendall Jenner is In Her Feelings” (Vogue)
Can't believe "Rhode" didn't make the shortlist!