And that's what you missed on Glee
I went public with a grid post yesterday to promote the Uncultured brand, and I had to have a debate with myself about whether or not to hide the like count, because the performance, much like Beanie Feldstein in Funny Girl, was abysmal!
But, standing by the core value that everything is cringe until it’s viral, I kept it revealed because it somehow felt more embarrassing to hide. I’m failing forward!
That said, thanks to the sheer kindness of friends who reshared, we did get a bunch of new Gauche Goblins this week (I saw a TikTok that said you’re supposed to name your readership lol), so if this is your first time with us, welcome, and I hope you don’t walk away disappointed like my Hinge dates after they find out I was wearing a push-up bra.
Without further ado, let’s get into it!!!
Rough Cut
Movie review, TV binges, etc.
I watched The Bachelorette for the first time since Tayshia’s season and I have to say, it feels good to be back!
What’s new: For the first time, this season features not one but two Bachelorettes, Rachel and Gabby. The duo was left scorned on Clayton’s season after he made great use of the Fantasy Suites before saying toodaloo to them both in a joint breakup. Classy!
The trauma bonded BFFs will look for love among the same pool of Colorado-based software developers named Jordan, putting a chaotic twist on the traditional format.
Let’s meet the ladies: Rachel is a commercial pilot (#GirlBoss) while Gabby is the funny one — her Night 1 performance kind of reminded me of Ziwe’s impression of a sexy baby, so I see why the Jordans are more into her, even if Rachel is more wifey on paper.
Cary Fetman, the show’s famed stylist, shared with EW that Rachel self-identifies with the modest “mother of the bride” aesthetic (womp) whereas Gabby “is the girl that probably lived next door to you that never wanted to wear clothes and just was constantly ripping off her clothes.” I believe that Gabby is a bare midriff fan, but I can’t say that I understand this analogy at all.
Regardless, no matter how you slice it, the two women are essentially now competing for the affection of the men — it’s a huge power shift, when the lead traditionally got to operate as a Napoleonic relationship dictator.
Turning it over to guys. . .
Favorite limo entrance: Nobody was dressed like a sloth or a dolphin this year, and the winning entrance from my viewpoint was the simple but effective gesture of Spencer bringing over two folding chairs so Gabby and Rachel could have a 20-second respite from the throbbing pain of their seven-inch Steve Maddens. When I’m wearing heels, scoping out my next sitting opportunity occupies 83% of my mental real estate, so this would’ve gone far for me.
Most chaotic limo entrance: A guy who goes by Meatball carries an eight-foot meatball sub in with him. The girls don’t get to eat a meatball though, so there’s not much in it for them. He has to be a producer pick, because he stayed while they sent home the gimmicky magician man, and he at least was really good at card tricks.
My personal pick: These girlies clearly have a type, so I have a suspicion they are going to send Ethan home packing very soon. He works in advertising (same), loves Monopoly (I have a monopoly related prompt on my Hinge), and watches old Entourage episodes when he’s sad (LITERALLY. SAME.) I tried to find his Insta but it’s deactivated (when the whole point of going on the show is to get followers?), so I wonder if something incredibly embarrassing happens to him this season that’s going to make me change my mind.
Closing thoughts: My friend and I started a Bachelor Bracket at work, so I’ll probably keep up with this season to a degree, even if I can’t muscle through every 120-minute episode. If you haven’t watched in a while or you’re new to the franchise entirely, this could be a good season to jump into.
Viral Bible
Internet wormholes, celeb deep dives, etc.
I can’t tell if everyone in the world is talking about the Funny Girl scandal or if it just seems that way because I have a toe dipped in Broadway TikTok, since the algorithm magically unearthed the fact that I did theater in high school.
So if this is repetitive for you, please carry along. And before I start yapping, major credit to The Daily Beast for their top-tier investigative journalism that informed this recap. You can also just read their article instead, but it’s really long and won’t be as fun.
Let’s start with context: After decades of anticipation from Broadway nerds, the iconic musical Funny Girl, made famous by Barbara Streisand, was revived on Broadway this year. Beanie Feldstein was tapped for the titular role of Fanny Brice, and illiteracy activist Lea Michele was promptly put on suicide watch after years of publicly thirsting for the part.
(While Lea put on a good face and congratulated Beanie on IG, Beanie pulled an “I don’t know her” on Andy Cohen’s show, which was just in poor taste. Even if she truly didn’t know her, she’s an actress, just pretend!)
The hype for Beanie on Broadway was high — she’s a great comedic actress, and as a queer, curvy Jewish gal, she was bringing fresh flavor that felt updated and of the moment.
But things quickly go awry: It turns out, Beanie’s not really a singer — like, it’s giving Russel Crowe in the Les Mis movie. And this isn’t one of those musicals where you can sing-talk your way through it, you basically have to Ariana Grande it up out there. So when reviews come out, they are awful.
[Aside: My overarching question in all of this — how did production not know that vocals weren’t Beanie’s forte? I get the whole “offer only” thing, and how it’s rude or whatever to ask famous people to audition for stuff, but A) it’s not like she’s Angelina Jolie and B) I feel like it’s fair to ask for 32 bars for a show where everything hinges on vocals that would at the very least make John Legend turn his chair for you??!!]
Producers stand by Beanie initially, but it becomes clear things are unsalvageable. Fans are more excited about Beanie’s understudy Julie Benko than Beanie, and Beanie starts getting pissed when Benko promotes her performance dates on social (again, this is giving me a little bit of diva energy. . .#carrywhileyouclimb).
Ticket sales start tanking, and on June 15, Beanie announces she’ll be stepping down from the role on September 25 (likely around six months early). Her co-star Jane Lynch, who plays Fanny’s mother, will leave at the same time.
Okay, and? It sounds like an amicable divorce at first, the kids won’t need that much therapy. Until June 30th, when the OG shit-stirrers at Gawker publish an article stating that Lea Michele would be taking over the role come fall.
This is the last straw for Beanie — for the protection of her image and reputation, she’s supposed to appear cheerfully involved in the announcement process, faking a smile as she welcomes her replacement to take her dream away from her, not getting raked through the coals by the media once again while she still has two months of shows to put on.
From this point on, Beanie cuts off all contact with production, and they can only communicate with her through her reps.
The Instagram post: After weeks of tension, on Monday, Beanie posted a statement to the gram, announcing she’ll be leaving even earlier, with her last show on July 31st:
“Playing Fanny Brice on Broadway has been a lifelong dream of mine, and doing so for the last few months has been a great joy and true honor. Once the production decided to take the show in a different direction, I made the extremely difficult decision to step away sooner than anticipated.”
Producers had gotten a quick heads up from her reps that The Post was coming, and decided to confirm the Lea Michele news the very next day.
No cutsie press conference, no photo opp, no social media baton pass, just unadulterated awkward. But from a business standpoint, at least they finally got Broadway to infiltrate mainstream cultural consciousness without any rapping treasury secretaries needed.
Where we go from here:
Jane Lynch has also updated her final show to match Beanie’s, inducing heavy speculation that she does not want to endure any overlap with her former Glee cast mate Lea Michele.
This supports the industry-wide rumors that Lea Michele is a bully, but according to production, they aren’t worried and attributed those stories to the pressure of fame at a young age.
For Lea, producers say she if she doesn’t hit it out the park they’ll be “dead”. No presh.
Flirty, Whole30 & Thriving
I can’t eat this, but how exciting is it to smell?
My Whole30 journey has finally come to an end, so it’s my journalistic responsibility to #closetheloop.
Avoiding margaritas and chickpeas wasn’t the sexiest way to spend July, but I’m really glad I did it.
I won’t share specific numbers so that Jameela Jamil or the girl from Riverdale doesn’t come for me for promoting toxic diet culture, but I’m much closer to my pre-quarantine weight, which was exactly what I needed to avoid spending the rest of the summer having diamond-earring-in-the-ocean level breakdowns every time I had to leave the house.
Here are some program superlatives to wrap things up:
Highlights: I was never hungover, I snacked way less, and still ate a lot of good food. I famously hate alternative milks, but I got used to almond milk in my coffee after like two days, which humbled me but could also be called personal growth.
Lowlights: One of my favorite things is to get Starbucks Cold Brew with like one pump of mocha or hazelnut or something, so that’s robbed me of quite a bit of joy. And not drinking at parties and group dinners sometimes made me feel like I was taking minutes at a school board meeting.
Biggest learning: I don’t really miss certain food groups as much as I thought I would. Like I’m not jonesing for a slice of pizza or a bagel. Although I could really go for a Levain cookie, but that’s par for the course.
I know all my haters are gearing up to tell me I’m immediately going to gain all the weight back as soon as I look in the direction of a piece of focaccia, so please feel free to leave your board-certified nutrition counsel in the comments to boost overall platform engagement.
Skinny Soundbites
Half-baked mini thoughts
I don’t even know where to start with Khloe and Tristan. If you were in a coma last night, you missed that Khloe’s reps confirmed she and her cheating ex, described by Kylie as “the worst person in the world,” are expecting a second baby via surrogate in the coming month. The baby was conceived in November, a month before Tristan’s paternity scandal came to light, meaning the choice to have the child was made while Khloe still believed Trashtan was recyclable.
And speaking of other disgraced men, rumored cannibal Armie Hammer was spotted in the Cayman Islands, allegedly selling timeshares? Armie’s lawyer actually responded to request for comment (weird) and said he couldn’t confirm or deny, but that he thinks it’s “shitty” of the media to be shaming Armie for having a normal job. Okay but it’s also “shitty” to eat people’s toes?!
I’m not a housewives girl, but Real Housewives of Salt Lake City cast member Jen Shah plead guilty to fraud this week after involvement in a telemarketing scheme that targeted the elderly and vulnerable. Apparently she personally oversaw these falsified “sales” for years, draining victims’ bank accounts in the process. Quite literally psycho. Can’t wait for the docuseries.
Lastly, in happier news, Huma Abedin (Hillary Clinton’s former chief of staff) has successfully leveled up from her cheating dirtbag husband — it was just reported that she’s dating Bradley Cooper after the pair was introduced by Anna Wintour.
Prekend Wrapped
What the fuck is a prekend?
Eating: I still haven’t had anything sweet yet, so I got the Trader Joe’s chocolate covered frozen banana bites which are apparently a cult fave.
Watching: Bear (Hulu) — a little late to the party but happy to be here!
Reading: “The Best Fake Tears $17 Can Buy” (The Strategist) — this product is unhinged. It’s for when you feel like you need to cry but can’t conjure the tears, yet still need them to enhance the sadness experience? Someone send a PR box to Jen Aniston and her chronic dry eyes, stat.
Glad your grid post got you some more readers (Gauche Goblins)! I really have to turn off my cringe switch when doing blog promotion so hugely relate!