A Valentine's Movie For Every Relationship Status

For bitter singles, sexy divorcees, and everyone in between

Hi fraaaaands.

Before we get into today’s fun, I am legally obligated to give you this steaming hot JoJo SiWatch update!

Remember when JoJo had randomly X-factored together a children’s girl group like a wannabe Simon Cowell? After four members quietly dropped from the band, one member and her mother spoke with Rolling Stone for an exclusive about the cruel treatment by JoJo and her momager:

"In one instance, just days before the surgery, they allege, Leigha started bleeding through her belly button during a rehearsal for a performance at the Children’s and Family Emmys, which was hosted by JoJo. Rather than encourage her to take a break, the Sandersons say, Jessalyn told her to put a maxi pad on it, so it wouldn’t leak onto her costume. 

JoJo, meanwhile, could also be nasty and domineering, according to sources, a sharp contrast from her upbeat on-screen persona. At one point, they allege, she screamed insults at the girls during a performance; they also allege that she played a role in helping to build a cutthroat environment long after the cameras were gone, playing favorites and pitting members against each other. 

Uhmmm, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree? No wonder she’s the only dancer who still rides for Abby Lee.

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What Movie I Think You Should Watch Tonight Based On Your Relationship Status

Single & Bitter: The Zone of Interest (2023)

You’re probably going to spend today sulking and posting salty memes about how Valentine’s Day is a disgusting product of capitalism that you would never participate in, even if you weren’t single (it’s been seven years and counting, Jenna).

Well, if you’re really so morally clarified, why don’t you ride your high horse right into a screening of this upsetting foreign film about the sickeningly banal lives of Nazi families outside of Auschwitz. You’re better than us, so act like it!

Single & Horny: Black Swan (2010)

Perhaps, like Black Swan’s Nina, you’ve been too focused on other endeavors to commit to finding love. Or, like Nina, you’re just a perfectionist — no one lives up to your standards.

Regardless, the film is a psychosexual thriller with one of the best sex scenes of the 21st century. Mila Kunis in her prime? Say less.

Single & Carefree: Poor Things (2023)

Much like Poor Things’ Bella Baxter, when it comes to the emotions of men or the expectations of society, you don’t give a fuuuuck.

You just wanna see what life has to offer and have a good time doing it. That could mean wearing adorable white boots, eating pastries, reading about socialism on a yacht, and maybe an old fashioned roll in the hay!

In A New Relationship: Get Out (2017)

Your relationship probably hasn’t even gone Insta Official yet, so there is plenty of time to #GetOut if red flags start to crop up. Reminder: just because they’re hot, doesn’t mean they’re not secretly going to furry conventions during their Tuesday night “book club.”

In A Steady Relationship: Eyes Wide Shut (1999)

You smug bastards! You have what everyone wants, or at least that’s how it seems from your embarrassing Instagram post about finding your partner in crime.

So why don’t you kick things up a notch with the film that single-handedly destroyed Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman’s 10-year marriage. Looking forward to your thoughts!

In A Toxic Situationship: Fatal Attraction (1987)

So Fatal Attraction is more psycho stalker than situationship, but the same themes are there! Someone you can get out of your life no matter how hard you try. And to quote Gypsy Rose, “and the D is fiiiiireeeeeeee.”

Engaged To Be Wed: Crazy Rich Asians (2018)

Crazy Rich Asians is a sumptuous spectacle that will be a super fun watch with your beloved, but will also create a natural segue into a conversation about how your partner’s mom cannot invite herself on your honeymoon.

Headed for Divorce: Gone Girl (2014)

Congrats: your marriage may have been a massive mistake, but you got the best movie on this list!

You hate your partner so much that you delight in playing fucked up mind games, finding creative ways to make their life Hell, and manifesting your resentment through meticulous revenge plots instead of just going to couples’ therapy or joining an Equinox.

Happily Married But Still Young: Past Lives (2023)

One of the only movies I cried at in 2023, Past Lives is exceedingly romantic (ask the gross Williamsburg couple whispering sweet nothings the entire time in the row in front of me) while prompting introspection.

You and your betrothed are stable enough in your marriage that you can handle the post-game discussion, and maybe even learn something new about each other all these years later.

25+ Years of Marriage / AKA Long Haulers: May December (2023)

You guys probably really don’t care about Valentine’s Day, or the performance of love anymore, so you’re free to just watch a good movie.

You can check out May December, which is also about a couple that has been married for a hot minute, but not in the usual way. You’ll walk away laughing (if you’re not one of those annoying idiots who watched this as a drama) and feeling relieved that you ended up with your boring but age appropriate husband Keith.

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