3rd Annual Uncultured Holiday Gift Guide

For mean girls, situationships, MILs from hell, and more <3

For The Secret Santa Acquaintance Who Introduced Herself to You on Three Separate Occasions

She just meets so many people, and unfortunately, you and your Madewell overalls weren’t one of the memorable ones. Since she’s such a cool girl, the Rhode Fall Duo ($42) from ultimate It Girl Hailey Bieber should suffice.

For The Friend You Had a Falling Out with But Now are Chill With Again Yet The Vibes are Still A Little Weird

Girl, so confusing! You and your semi-friend feel like you’re walking on eggshells with each other. If holiday gifts are a staple practice for you guys, this next gift is a lot of pressure! You want to avoid seeming overly familiar, but also don’t want to come off as too cold and impersonal. The Brightland Olive Oil Duo ($74) offers a warm energy, but it’s neutral in sentiment.

For The Workplace Bestie Who Makes a Suicide Pact with You Every Other Monday

You two have likely had your fair share of nights pounding happy hour margaritas and bitching about your disdain for your company and how you’re totally going to quit any minute (spoiler: you never do). To commemorate her solidarity in the trenches with you, and your shared love of a stiff bev, the Urban Outfitters Stemmed Goblet (2 for $40) will give her a fun vessel for that immediate 5PM libation.

For The Situationship Dude You’ve Been Seeing On-Again-Off-Again for Six and a Half Months

Anything remotely thoughtful will have him ghosting you faster than Lewis Hamilton at the Miami Grand Prix. Odds are this jabroni loves the gym, so these holiday-themed Peppermint Bark Barebells (12 for $29) acknowledge his existence and his interests. While being totally chill and nonchalant, of course.

For The Reality-TV Obsessed, 2,000 Steps a Day Girlie

Getting Ashleigh off her cloud couch during a new season of Love Is Blind is a mission even Tom Cruise could not accomplish. The Dr. Jart 10 Mask Mega Mix ($49) adds a tiny dose of productivity to her screen time, and she’ll leave her binge-watch with glass skin.

For The New Boyfriend’s Mom Who Thinks You’re Trying to Marry Him for Money Like Nicole Kidman in That Bad Netflix Show

What you get your future MIL is kind of irrelevant, because no matter what route you take, she’ll find a fault. Too cheap, too ostentatious, too fragrant, too boring, I’ll never use this. It’s a no-win scenario, but the Malin + Goetz Tomato Candle ($64) is a safe bet. It’s one of those bullshit luxury brands that she probably already approves of, and the ripe tomato scent implies wholesome family values and an appreciation for wifely duties.

For The Dad Who Doesn’t Concern Himself with Material Items But Occasionally Enjoys Little Trinkets, Discerningly

Don’t tell your dad how much this cost, but the Author Clock ($164 for Black Friday Only!) is a unique gizmo that will add some much needed whimsy to his office, den, etc. The clock tells the time through literary quotes with a new passage each minute of the day. Dads, am I right?

For the “It’s Not About Affording, It’s About Radiationnnn-uhhh” Goopy Gal Pal

Like Kourtney and Gwyneth, your pooshy-goopy friend fancies life’s finer things, especially when she feels like they nourish her soul and her aura and chakras. The all-new, fruit-forward Ghia Le Fizz (2 for $40) is a non-alcoholic celebratory drink, so she can cheers to setting personal records on the Peloton without a hangover that would prevent her from hitting jiu jitsu with Gisele the next morning.

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