2024 Pop Culture Predicts
Featuring special guests!
We’re only days into 2024, and we’ve already seen Jimmy Kimmel threaten Aaron Rodgers with a lawsuit, Rachel Lindsay and Bryan file for divorce, and all hell break loose for the housewives of Salt Lake. Plus Gerry and Theresa’s live wedding tonight!! #WeWantPrenup.
Before things get any wilder, here are some 2024 predictions from me and some pals. Enjoy!
Kendall Jenner dates a gal. If Kim succumbed to dating Pete Davidson and Kylie is cuddling up with Wonka, that’s tacit permission for Kendall to also abandon her typical playbook and make a (sort of) surprising move.
Plus, she’s a a lot of people’s least favorite KarJenner because she snaps up the paychecks from her family’s show without ever bringing anything to the table, so a surge of support from the gays could be the boost she needs in Kris’s rankings as we kick off Q1.
Spotify has a major scandal. It just feels too good to be true! Like with the audiobooks, for example — what kind of company gives their existing users stuff for free for no reason?
I know some people already have qualms with the company for things like the Joe Rogan podcast and their poor union antics, but something of a much larger scale will come to light that has us all begrudgingly switching to Tidal as a collective act of protest / virtue signaling.
Gypsy Rose gets cast on Celebrity Big Brother. Since her release last week, she’s already racked up 6.4M followers on Instagram (Frankie Grande wishes), and someone wise should snap up that interest quickly.
She’ll eventually say something out of pocket that doesn’t get her kicked off the show, but does lose her her Calm app brand deal. She has a good chance of winning though, because with 8+ years of prison under her belt, surviving the 100 days in the BB house has to be a piece of sugar-free cake.
Ariana Grande’s method acting goes too far. IDK if she is actually a method actor, but I just get the vibe that she enjoys playing Glinda a little too much. Like, dropping 100 pounds to look like a fairy and dumping her husband to date the head munchkin? Even the other day she and Elphaba got matching “For Good” tattoos, which is cheugy AF and supports my theory of her overidentification with the project.
We’ll be seeing blind items in 2024 about her behind-the-scenes antics bothering other cast members — she’ll fully adopt a new speaking voice like when Austin Butler played Elvis, write her co-stars uncomfortable notes in pink gel pen, and her upcoming album will be more in the vibe of Sweetener than Positions or Thank U, Next.
Things get messy with Alex Cooper and Alix Earle. I respect Alex Cooper for building herself a nice empire, but something about her always feels shady to me. The early part of her career is mostly memorable because of her fallout with her business partner Sofia Franklyn, so her relationship with Alix Earle as the first podcaster in her new network will be a huge test.
I predict that Alix Earle (23) will feel pressure from Cooper (29) to keep up a slutty, party girl persona for the sake of “content” that may or may not align with her actual personality as she continues to grow, causing friction and an eventual departure.
The naked dress expands to naked apparel. 2023 was a big naked dress year on the red carpet, as Ozempic hounds eagerly peacocked their new and improved figures. In 2024, the skinny hive will grow even stronger. Why wait for an awards show to remind everyone how thin you are? With barely there leggings, crop tops, and athleisure sets, they can spend every day highlighting their skeletal frames to the fullest extent.
Guest Predictions
Jason Oppenheim revealed to be a cult leader. Jason Oppenheim of Selling Sunset fame will be exposed as a cult leader. His pre season 1 roster of agents at the O Group now consists exclusively of women he’s slept with: Mary, Amanza, Heather. Even one of the newer agents is a former flame, Nicole. While this dynamic is nothing new, it’s intensified recently and in 2024 the depth of Jason’s control will be exposed.
The season 7 drama focused around Chrishell attempting to leave the cult (by which I mean she wanted to go to work and be allowed space from her ex and his bevy of exes) and she was burned for scorning the “family.” Can you say deprogramming?? All the women who’ve left the O group are the ones he’s not slept with. Coincidence? I think not.
In season 7 we find out from Bre that the O group’s commission structure is sub market. Not only is he paying his employees a lower percentage of their sales than is standard, but Jason also builds a multimillion dollar office in a down market and then explicitly puts the onus on his lady agents to make him the money to pay it back. Does this not sound like a cult documentary? This shit will BLOW in 2024. Thank god he’s still scared of having babies because that shit would get REAL weird. — Lizzie Wheeler, @shit.u.should.buy
Rihanna becomes a doula. We need to all forget about R9. Rihanna’s got an entrepreneurial streak that won’t quit, and in 2024 she’s focusing on adding a new suffix to her multihyphenate title: doula.
We can all agree that motherhood has suited Riri well— she’s basically embodied the internet’s meaning of Mother in 2023. She’s revolutionized pregnancy style and done the Super Bowl halftime show preggers and only a handful of months postpartum.
A$AP reports that life with Miss Fenty and their children is “heaven.” What’s her secret? Well, that’s something that select, top tier clients will be able to find out for an ungodly sum as she helps those chosen few reach her newly unlocked tier of Motherhood. But that also may mean R9 moves back to 2025. Again. — Lizzie Wheeler, @shit.u.should.buy
Zac Efron wins an Oscar. Just like Troy Bolton once tried to get the world to see him as a musical theater star when they pigeonholed him as a basketball player, Zac Efron has been struggling to be seen as a serious actor and not just a Disney Channel boy since 2006. With The Iron Claw, he may finally break free (sorry).
Zac is incredible in his turn as a self-destructive wrestler who climbs the ranks of the sport but desperately seeks his demanding father’s approval. While he might be a wildcard for this year’s race, he shouldn’t be overlooked. And let this be an indicator to every overworked casting director currently booking actors for their next Oscar-bait biopics: we want more Zac! — Jess Spoll,
Avian flu finally jumps from chickens to humans, giving us Pandemic 2k24. Bird flu made big headlines in 2023 because it inflated egg prices and led to the annihilation of millions of chickens. The virus has circulated in the US before, but this strain showed worrying new behavior, killing off huge numbers of wild birds, bears, and even marine animals.
The current form of the virus is unable to spread between humans – but it won’t take much for that to change, say scientists. The virus may only need to mutate one or two more times time to be transmittable, and that would mean the next COVID-19.
Surprisingly (given the recent pandemic), or maybe not (given the recent pandemic), people don’t want to hear about it. It could strike any time, and we won’t be ready. Sorry! — Anna Gibbs, Science Journalist
Millet becomes the new quinoa. I made this prediction back in 2022, and it hasn’t come true yet, so I’m making it again. The UN declared 2023 the International Year of Millets (though it could have used more advertising, imo), and it usually takes a little time for trends to kick in, right? Quinoa was the first ancient grain to go viral back in the 2000s, so I think it’s time for a change.
Keep an eye on the shelves. If I’m right, I’m calling spelt next. — Anna Gibbs, Science Journalist