My vibe is just preparing for the apocalypse rn
This week Julia Fox’s naked grocery run did not help my summer body dysmorphia, Trevor Noah and Minka Kelly called it quits (someone refer me to Raya), and BOBBI BROWN was at the center of a TikTok beauty community drama.
And those headlines didn't even make the cut for my deep dives!
I'MMA LET YOU FINISH
Monologue of the week.
The ailing Netflix high school cinematic universe (ANHSCU) expanded a little wider last week with the release of Rebel Wilson’s skinny debut, comedy feature Senior Year. Part Never Been Kissed, part Bring It On, and part She’s All That, the film occupied the #1 US slot on the platform for the duration of the weekend. Light spoilers below.
The Sparknotes: Stephanie (RW) is a 17-year-old Aussie baddie who clawed her way up from freshman dorkdom to senior cheer captain through persistence, drive, and a couple of makeup tutorials. But after her dangerous pep rally stunt is sabotaged, her prom queen dreams are thwarted by a 20-year coma. Waking up decades later at a pre-menopausal 37, Stephanie’s teenage ambitions haven’t wavered, and she heads back to high school to take care of her unfinished business.
Will you laugh? I give away laughter really easily because I think laughing is the entire point of life (outside of being ultra rich), so I laughed a little. I enjoyed both the hyper-nostalgic early aughts portrayal (Sk8er Boi plays in the opening credits, Jansports are integral to high-fashion uniforms, and “don’t go chasing waterfalls” is delivered as the ultimate diss) as well as the sheltered, ethically-driven 2022 high schoolers who use backhanded social justice as modern day snark and refuse to be photographed partying so the media can’t discredit their future presidential runs.
Will you cry? No, but my roommate cried during one heartfelt mother-daughter scene, so much so that she had to excuse herself from the room to retrieve a tissue. So it’s possible.
Most relatable moment: Post-coma Stephanie promising that if her dad gets her an iPhone, she won’t go over the minutes. Minutes ruined my life between the ages of 12 and 16.
Key takeaway: The only ways to become popular are “being a cheerleader, working at Abercrombie, or letting guys in the back door.”
Closing Thoughts: If my high school rival willfully put me in a coma I would absolutely take up any future requests to fuck their husband (re: Justin Hartley is a cheating skank IRL and in cinema).
★★☆☆☆
LOSING SLEEP
The wormholes keeping me up at night.
Yesterday, Taylor Alison Swift delivered the commencement speech at the all-NYU commencement ceremony at Yankee Stadium upon receiving an honorary doctorate. It’s nearly 25 minutes long – probably double the length it needed to be because of all the lengthy applause pauses like she was introducing her next song on tour – and basically as Taylor Swift as you could imagine.
She talked about living without fear of cringe, the myth of effortlessness, the pressure of being a role model, getting cancelled (subtweet at my girl Kimmy), and the gift of making mistakes.
Here are some of the most Taylor Swift words included in the address:
Graduation robes being comfy
Patchwork quilts
50 breeds of cats
Welcome to New York
Copious amounts of wine
KARDASH KORNER
I can't eat this, but how exciting is it to smell it.
Have you guys noticed how when you disclose that you like the Kardashians, people look at you with disdain reserved for country music lovers and Disney adults? And then they want you to defend your reasoning to them, but in that way that liberal elites do when they want to “listen to other perspectives” so they can brag about “doing the work” at their next book club meeting.
Anyway, there was too much Kardashian news this week not to dedicate a whole section to America’s royal family.
Kardashians can’t escape Astroworld. Editing out the tragedy from the Hulu series is a duh, but crafting a fake narrative for Kendall’s absence from Kris’s birthday is stupid, espeically when for something so easily disproven with Insta receipts. We know Kendall wasn’t in Miami and Miami is also a bad excuse for missing your momager’s birthday. You can literally go to Miami any weekend. You could go to Miami for the afternoon and then take the PJ back to Calabasas if you really wanted. KarJenners, do better!!
Kylie & Stormi Take Billboard. Speaking of, Travis and Kylie walked the carpet together for the first time since 2021, and Stormi was literally best dressed even though she was too young to tell the TikTok reporters that she was wearing Rick Owens.
Kravis is hitched (on paper). They got legally married at a Santa Barbara courthouse on Sunday. And Kourtney only invited grandma MJ! She would not be upstaged by any of her more interesting to look at sisters. We’ll see if she dresses them in Michael Kors at the family ceremony in Italy.
Kim graces Sports Illustrated Swim. But did Kourtney really think Kim would let her hog the headlines for more than a 48-hour blackout period? Keeks went public with Pete a week after Kourtney’s engagement, and now that we’re in wedding season, she’s proving there can only be ONE queen of cake.
CHEERS TO THE FRICKEN PREKEND
"What the fuck is a prekend?"
Watching: Barry (HBO)
Reading: This Hacktivist Site Lets You Prank Call Russian Officials (Wired)
Drinking: Matcha - I’ve committed to adding matcha to my aesthetic even though it sort of tastes like dirt.
