My boyfriend, Rob Gronkowski
I need to start by saying, I love how Kim K clearly stated in her Vogue interview that she “did not starve” in order to lose sixteen pounds for the Marilyn dress, yet she’s still getting blasted by irrelevant CW actresses for starving herself. No carbs no sugar isn’t anything new. . .Rob Lowe has literally been on his Atkins hustle for years and no one's giving him any sh*t.
I'MMA LET YOU FINISH
Rant of the week.
Last night, despite being semi-wasted on three skinny margaritas, I forced myself to watch the first two episodes of The Circle Season 4 on Netflix for the explicit purposes of this newsletter. The Circle is the only competition reality show I could totally dominate – you don’t need to be talented, athletic, or look like Addison Rae. You just need to be good at texting.
This season is heavy on the Gen Z kids who don’t know who Rod Stewart is or, more impressively, what a memoir is. But most notably, the production team has upgraded from scoring Lance Bass’s assistant in Season 3 to locking in not one but two of the poorest Spice Girls for S4.
Emma Bunton and Mel B are bringing the band back together by entering The Circle posing as Jared, a homely children’s book author. Their goal is to survive in this mock social media world believably as Jared without being detected as a catfish by the other players.
They make a savvy opening move of choosing a profile photo of Jared holding a chicken (the fact that the chicken is so calm makes Jared seem trustworthy, imo), but when tasked with writing a profile bio for Jared, the duo masterminds this tragically awkward manifesto:
“Welcome to my fun filled world. I’m open to new adventures and never take life too seriously. I’m a big animal lover with a soft spot for cheese. I’m quirky and loyal. I hope to one day travel the world with the love of my life ;)”
Even better, they have at least a full 12 hours to conjure up a plausible backstory for Jared and maybe a brief catalog of his greatest hits as a children’s book author, but all they can muster when inevitably asked about his work is that he “generally writes about animals and poo.”
I love the idea of adding a celeb duo to the cast - it’s also just a lot of fun to see two Spice Girls putter about in an apartment together with their ridiculous pink dog. Season 5 let’s get Martha and Snoop on there.
LOSING SLEEP
The wormholes keeping me up at night.
Yesterday, Variety launched their Women in Power issue, featuring a dishy cover interview with Kim Cattrall and her fuchsia Valentino cape. Here’s what we learned:
On the OG SATC: She originally turned down playing Samantha in SATC three times because she thought she was too old at the ripe age of 42.
On Nudity: She’s filled her quota for nude sex scenes, even thought she’s “in great shape” at 65. In other words, we won’t be seeing anything beyond some tasteful décolletage on the Queer as Folk reboot.
On The Paramount Lot: When she’s filming How I Met Your Father as future Hilary Duff, she only needs to be on set for two days per season. The mother in the original How I Met Your Mother made around $25K an episode for her flashforwards, but one would guess KC is raking in a hefty loaf of brioche.
On Knowing When to Hit It & Quit It: Kim is way happier to have her presence missed on And Just Like That than to be part of what’s essentially a well-funded production of Much Ado About Nothing at the assisted living facility. She basically shaded everyone for being too old for the game and thinks they should just enjoy their social security checks and let the young thotties of Emily in Paris take the wheel.
COLOR ME INFLUENCED
Credit card debt intensifies.
This was not a good wallet week. I’m really having an internal freakout about the onset of summer and how unprepared I am – like, you’re getting amped for hot girl summer, I’m mentally prepping for Ari Aster’s Midsommar.
Madewell Racerback Top & Matching Leggings — I want people to think I use ClassPass.
GAP Denim Shorts (for loyal readers, the Abercrombie shorts were way too slutty for this chica and must be returned)
Prive Reaux Sunglasses — I found out after that this company was partially founded by Pretty Little Liar and sex bench advocate Ashley Benson.
Saie Hydrating Undereye Concealer — according to TikTok queen Mikayla, this is the real deal for Sahara Desert under eyes
Now all I need is a SKIMS Swim (skwims?) restock. . .
CHEERS TO THE FRICKEN PREKEND
"What the fuck is a prekend?"
Watching: The Girl From Plainville finale (Hulu)
Reading: "He Planned a Treasure Hunt for the Ages — Until He Went Missing" — Rolling Stone
Eating: My avocados before they go bad again.
