Close the trunk!!! 👹
This week my entire TikTok FYP has been filled with Amber Heard’s hilariously incompetent lawyer in the Depp/Heard trial, Kim K copped to photoshopping KJ children to accommodate her IG aesthetic, and I couldn't help but wonder why Harry Styles threw BHG a bone instead of hitting up Arch Digest like a normal global superstar.
Seriously, they had one cover star last year outside of their stock photos of hydrangeas and Fourth of July popsicles and it was Jesse Tyler Ferguson.
I'MMA LET YOU FINISH
Rant of the week.
After a fourth season that completely relied on a fight between two people from 7 years ago that neither of them fully remembered, plus some sloppy antics at a dog birthday party, a strong opening to Selling Sunset season 5 was NEEDED.
Here are my agent power rankings (based one episodes 1-5, light spoilers).
Selling Sunset Power Rankings
1. Mary: promotion to managing partner puts her at the top of the pyramid. Although one would guess an MP’s responsibilities at a prestigious brokerage are a little heavier than “leading team meetings” and “handling interpersonal drama.” Maybe like, “growing” the “business” (????)
2. Maya: The unproblematic queen gets pregnant every 10 months so she never actually has to sell houses.
3. Chrishell: dating the boss is a huge flex and she’s so thin that she can fit through a dog door.
4. Chelsea: her accent is fake, right? Is this an Emmy campaign for whatever method acting is happening to embody this ridiculous London socialite personality that can in no way be real?
5. Christine: she has an occasional good one-liner, but most of the time she’s so cringe I don’t even love hating her. But I respect that she faked being pregnant for the attention and actually had a surrogate carry the baby – there’s no way you’re back in that size zero pilates gear two weeks post-baybay.
6. Emma: empanada queen who literally risked her life to get an infinity pool ledge photo for her client.
7. Amanza: Gretchen Weiners x Janis Ian collab. Uses terms like girlboss and She-E-O unironically.
8. Heather: has never had oreos.
9. Vanessa: no added value. Started dating a guy from London off Tinder and is annoyed when he has to…go back to London. Netflix should send her with him.
10. Davina: ugh. Listening to her try to reintegrate into the clique is like watching that one girl in high school who didn’t make the cheerleading squad become the “team manager” so she still gets to hang out at practice and carry the pom poms on game day.
LOSING SLEEP
The wormholes keeping me up at night.
This week I listened to the new Lindsay Lohan podcast, The Lohdown with Lindsay Lohan, so you don’t have to.
The premise is, like the other one hundred and seven celeb podcasts, Lindsay interviewing famous people to hear about their passions, projects, etc. Her first interview was with Queer Eye’s best cast member Bobby Burke.
What Was Good:
Lindsay’s raspy voice is so soothing. I liked this ASMR experience so much more than listening to her pretend to be Lisa Vanderpump yelling at teenagers on MTV’s tragically short-lived Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club.
The episode was only like 30 minutes. None of that Dax Shepard 120-minute tell-all BS like he’s hosting an Oprah special. But instead of Megan and Harry it’s Jason Bateman.
She actually lets her guests talk and knows when her input is and isn't needed.
It’s revealed that she watches Succession and manages her own Instagram - good for her!
What Was Meh:
She’s really trying to make fetch happen with “The Lohdown,” which she quips into conversation like 3 times. It’s kind of endearing though.
She plays two games with guests that are duller than the DMV – a This or That (e.g. recessed lighting or floor lamps) and favorites (e.g. favorite color - seriously).
The premise is so lackluster. . .I’d love if she made “The Lohdown” about celebs’ side of the story on scandals from the past, kind of like what Alex Cooper does but less insufferable because it’s Lindsay fucking Lohan. It would be really fitting for the rebirth of her career and an area where she holds a lot of differentiating wisdom.
I won’t be a regular friend of the pod, but I will be having a watch party for her Christmas-themed Overboard remake this holiday season.
COLOR ME INFLUENCED
Credit card debt intensifies.
As many of my PR pitches once opened, “summer is around the corner” and I need to fit into denim shorts. Here are some of the frantic Trader Joe’s finds I bought this week with key takeaways.
Dark Chocolate Protein Muffin: This is one of those things that starts tasting worse as you eat it. The first few bites are like, “omg, food!” but then as your starvation subsides you’re like, this is garbage.
Sparkling White Tea with Pomegranate Juice: When I’m dieting I start to really miss experiencing flavors, but these are only 10 calories and help me momentarily forget how empty my life is.
Chicken-Cilantro Mini Wontons: 8/10 - crazy low-cal for a cute din.
Kale Gnocchi: A twist on the famous Cauliflower Gnocchi (or as Hannah G from The Bachelor once called it, Cauliflower…Nosh?!?!?!) It’s what you would expect.
Truffle White Cheddar Corn Snacks: Guys. These are actually trying to kill me. They might be one of the greatest snacks I’ve ever tasted. Like beating out Cheez-Its, Honey BBQ Fritos, name it. They are actually so addicting that I can never buy them again, but if you are naturally skinny please buy them and think of me.
CHEERS TO THE FRICKEN PREKEND
"What the fuck is a prekend?"
Watching: The Flight Attendant (S2, HBO Max)
Reading: My own tweets from 2018 to delete any cancellable offenses because apparently influencers still don’t do that.
Eating: The viral “lazy enchiladas.” And I’LL be the judge of laziness.
